Friday's Funnies - Happy Mother's Day!

 Mother's Advice

The new bride went crying to her mother. "Momma, I can't get my husband to do anything. I want him to fix up the house, and he keeps putting it off."  "Honey," her mother replied, "after being married to your father for twenty-six years, I've found the only way to get him to do anything is to tell him he's too old."

 

Behind Every Man Is His Mother

--A picture of George Washington's head is on the front of every dollar bill. It is funny because Mrs. Washington said, "George never did have a head for money."

--Charles Lindbergh was the first man to fly across the Atlantic solo and his mom would often say to him, "Charles, can't you do anything by yourself?"

--Neil Armstrong's mother often said, "Neil has no more business taking flying lessons than the man in the moon."

Busy Mom

My busy mother sometimes accidentally left pots and pans on the stove with the burners on, so she resorted to posting this reminder on the kitchen door: "STOVE?"  My sister, back from college, noticed Mother's sign. Beneath it she taped her reply: "No -- Door! Trust me. I went to college."

 

Mother's Dictionary

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Dad to get up at 2 a.m. also.
Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
Verbal: Able to whine in words.
Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."

Mother's Helper

Little Susan was her mother's helper. She helped set the table when company was due for dinner. Presently everything was on, the guests came in, and everyone sat down. Then Mother noticed something was missing.  "Susan," she said, "you didn't put a knife and fork at Mr. Smith's place."  "I thought he wouldn't need them," explained Susan. "Daddy says he always eats like a horse!"

 

New House

Little Sammy: "So your family got a new house!  How do you like it?"

Little Johnny: "It's terrific!  I have my own room, Billy has his own room, and Jenny has her own room.  But poor Mom is still in with Dad."

 

Moral Lesson

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

 

Looking Back

Sunday School Teacher: "...and when Lot's wife looked back at Sodom, she turned into a pillar of salt!"

Young pupil: "My mom looked back once while she was driving! She turned into a telephone pole."

 

Are You OK?

A little three-year-old boy is sitting on the toilet.  His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what’s up.  The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book.  But about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips the toilet seat with his left hand, and hits himself on the top of the head with his right hand.  His mother says, “Billy, are you all right?  You’ve been in there for a while…”  Billy says, “I’m fine, mommy…  I just haven’t done doody yet.”  Mother says, “OK, you can stay here a few more minutes.  But Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head”?  Billy says, “Works for ketchup.”

 

Johnny

Two days after summer vacation ended, Johnny's teacher called his Mom to report that he was misbehaving.  "Wait a minute," said Johnny's Mom.  "I had him all summer and I never called you once when he misbehaved!"

 

Dad Joke

I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick instead of her lipstick. She still isn't talking to me.

 

Today’s Thought

Mom: Why is it when I eat a 2 oz chocolate bar, I always gain a pound...but when I choose NOT to eat the same bar, I don't lose a pound?