Friday's Funnies

 Staying Positive

As you get older, you've got to stay positive. For example, the other day I fell down the stairs. Instead of getting upset, I just thought, "Wow, that's the fastest I've moved in years."

 

I Need A Raise

I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise. My boss asked, "What companies?" Gas, water and electricity.

 

Chicago Cab Driver

On a visit to Chicago, I was eager to visit a posh department store about a dozen blocks from our hotel. My husband obligingly hailed a cab. "The lady wants to go to Neiman Marcus," he told the driver. The cabby looked over his shoulder at us. "And the gentleman?" he asked. "Does he want to go to the bank?"

 

Sermon 

Preacher: "This morning's worship went well, but I just don't think the sermon ever got off the ground."

Preacher's wife: "Well, it sure did taxi long enough."

 

Dinosaur Age

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"  The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."   "That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?" The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."

 

Praying For A Baby Brother

A little boy said he wanted a baby brother. His Dad smiled and suggested he pray for one. The boy prayed earnestly, night after night, but after a couple weeks with no baby brother, he didn't bother to ask anymore. A few months later Dad said Mom was in the hospital and had a surprise. When they got to the room, the little boy saw Mom holding two babies! "Well, what do you think about having twin brothers?" Dad asked. The little boy, in awe, said: "I'm glad I stopped praying when I did!"

 

More Q&A On College

Q: Are student loans a good idea?

A: Student loans are very effective at keeping someone broke long after graduation. The theory behind them is that your child borrows money at a low interest rate and then pays it back after he has earned a degree and is unemployed and living with you.

Q: What is the difference between "in-state tuition" and "out-of-state tuition?"

A: You will want your child to pay "out-of-state tuition."

 

Q: I'd sacrifice everything I have to enable my child to obtain a college degree.

A: Well, that's not going to be enough.

 

Q: Now that my son is in college, it seems like the only value I am to him is that I pay the bills.

A: You see much less of your son now, and when he calls it is very often to ask for more money, so it is understandable that you feel this way. But despite the fact that he doesn't express it, I can assure you, it's not just the money--your son also cares very deeply about the fact that when he comes home to visit you do his laundry.

 

Q: At what age should I start saving to send my kid to college?

A: I'd say 16.

Q: What? Won't my kid be in high school by then?

A: You misunderstand me: I don't mean when your kid is 16, I mean when you are 16. Any later than that and you might as well forget it.

 

Heaven

The Sunday school teacher asked, "How many of you children would like to go to Heaven?"  All raised their hands except little Ronnie. The teacher asked him why not.  "I'm sorry," Ronnie replied. "Mommy told me to come right home after Sunday school."

 

Marry An Actor

An aspiring young actor asked a young lady's father if he could have his daughter's hand in marriage. The father said, "I would never let my daughter marry an actor."  The actor said, "Sir, I think you may change your mind if you see me perform. Won't you at least come and see the play?"  So the father went to see the play, and the next day he called the actor, "You were right. I did change my mind. Go ahead and marry my daughter. You're no actor."

Bad Language

The teacher heard one of her students, Johnny, use some off-color language and was shocked. "Johnny Martin, don’t you ever use language like that again, not near me, not in school, not anywhere!  Where on earth did you learn that?" "I got it from my dad, Miss Rollins," replied Johnny. "Well, your father should be ashamed. I doubt you even know what all that means?" "Oh Miss Rollins, I do," said Johnny. "It means the car won’t start."

 

Dad Joke

Astronomers got tired of watching the moon go around Earth 24/7. So, they decided to call it a day.

 

Today’s Thought

Based on the amount of laundry I do each week; I'm beginning to think there are people who live here that I haven't met yet.