Friday's Funnies

 A Great Job

A guy came home to his wife and said, "Guess what? I've found a great job. A 10 a.m. start, 2 p.m. finish, no overtime, no weekends and it pays $600 a week!" "That's great," his wife said. "Yeah, I thought so too," he agreed. "You start Monday."

Buffaloes

Tourist: "Say, look at that big bunch of buffaloes."

Ranch Hand: "Not 'bunch' -- 'herd.'"

Tourist: "Heard what?"

Ranch Hand: "Herd of buffaloes."

Tourist: "Sure, I've heard of buffaloes. There's a big bunch of 'em right over there."

Bonus Buffalo Funny

Some buffalo were grazing on the range when a tourist said, "Those are the mangiest, scroungiest beasts I have ever seen." One buffalo turned to the other and said, "You know...I think I just heard a discouraging word."

Name Warning

On a street, where the speed is limited to 30 mph the police stop a driver. "Not only have you been driving too fast, but you’ve also been passing cars where it is not allowed. Your lights don't work, your tires all completely worn out. This is surely going to cost you a lot. What's your name?" "Schtrathewisizeski Vocgefastilongchinic." "Well, I'll let you go this time but don't do it again."

The Sermon

They say that a preacher's wife is always his number one assistant. An example of this comes one Sunday morning after the preacher had just finished his sermon. He went and sat down with his wife and she asked him how he thought the church service went. The Preacher shrugged and said, "The worship was excellent, and I think the prayer and communion times went quite well, but," he continued, "I just don't think the sermon ever got off the ground." The wife looked over at him, and before she could stop herself, she said, "Well, it sure did taxi long enough!"

You Know You’ve Been Drinking Too Much Coffee When

~ You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

~ You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

~ You just completed another sweater... and you don't know how to knit!

~ You answer the door before people knock.

~ You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

~ You ski uphill.

~ You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

~ You lick your coffeepot clean.

Shoe Size

A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of shoes, size 8. The obviously well-trained salesman says, "But sir, you take an 11 or eleven-and-a-half." "Just bring me a size eight." The sales guy brings them, and the man stuffs his feet into them and stands up in obvious pain. He turns to the salesman and says, "I've lost my house to the I.R.S., I live with my mother-in-law, my daughter ran off with my best friend, and my business has filed Chapter 7." "The only pleasure I have left is to come home at night and take my shoes off."

Top 10 Signs You Are In For A Long Sermon

10. There's a case of bottled water beside the pulpit in a cooler.

9. The pews have camper hookups.

8. You overhear the pastor telling the sound man to have a few (dozen!) extra tapes on hand to record today's sermon.

7. The preacher has brought a snack to the pulpit.

6. The preacher breaks for an intermission.

5. The bulletins have pizza delivery menus.

4. When the preacher asks the deacon to bring in his notes, he rolls in a filing cabinet.

3. The choir loft is furnished with recliners.

2. Instead of taking off his watch and laying it on the pulpit, the preacher turns up a four-foot hourglass.

1. The minister says, "You'll be out in time to watch the Super Bowl" and it's September.

Q&A ON COLLEGE

Q: I've always meant to establish a college fund for my son, but now he's 19. Does this make me a bad parent?

A: No, it makes you a typical parent.

Q: Please explain the meaning of college "non-discretionary fees."

A: Take tuition, room, and board and subtract it from your net income. The amount left over is what college will cost you in "non-discretionary fees."

Q: But that leaves no money for food, clothing, and shelter!

A: Having a child in college means giving up such luxuries.

 

Q: What are the steps I should take to obtain a college scholarship for my child?

A: First, be a professional athlete, and second, marry a professional athlete.

 

Q: I'm hoping that my daughter can find employment over the summer to pay at least half of her expenses during the school year. What sort of job would you recommend for this?

A: Neurosurgeon.

Dad Joke

Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it.

Today’s Thought

A short nap once in a while can prevent old age... especially while driving.