Friday's Funnies

 Telephone Call

 

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.  "Wow!" said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"  "Wrong number..." replied the girl.

 

Coffee

 

I have one cup of coffee every morning to start the day off right. The other cups are to keep me out of jail, help me form sentences, and fuel my razor-sharp wit!

 

Benefit Of Speaking Multiple Languages

 

A Swiss guy visited Sydney, Australia, and pulled up at a bus stop where two locals were waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asked. The two Aussies just stared at him. "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tried. The two continued to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" Other than a glance at each other, there was still no response. "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing. The Swiss guy gave up and drove off, extremely disgusted. When he was gone, the first Aussie turned to the second and said, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language." "Why?" the other replied. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

 

Punctuality

 

A company owner was asked a question, "How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?"  He smiled & replied, "It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking."

If Biblical Events Were Being Covered By Today's Media

 

On Red Sea crossing:

WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE: Enforcement Officials Killed While Pursuing Unruly Mob

 

On David vs. Goliath:

HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION OF RELIEF TROOPS: Psychologist Questions Significance of Rock Used as Weapon

 

On the prophet Elijah on Mt. Carmel:

FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS ACTIVIST INTO FRENZY: 400 Killed In Unprovoked Attack

 

On the birth of Christ:

HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS EJECTED FROM SHELTER: Animal Rights Advocates Enraged by Insensitive Couple

 

On feeding the 5,000:

LAY PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH: Disciples Mystified Over Behavior

 

On healing the 10 lepers:

QUACK PREYS ON TERMINALLY ILL: Authorities Investigating Use of Non-traditional Medical Procedure 

 

On healing of the two demon-possessed men in Gadarenes:

MADMAN CAUSES STAMPEDE: Local Farmer Faces Bankruptcy After Loss of Hogs

 

On raising Lazarus from the dead:

ITINERANT PREACHER RAISES STINK: Will Now Being Contested by Lawyers of Heirs

 

College Daze

I used to live near a major university. Every fall, the new flock of kids attending college always included some who needed a little help with everyday chores, due to never having really done any while they lived at home. Things like doing the laundry, or purchasing groceries. One day at the grocery store, I was in the dairy aisle, picking out some eggs. As I usually did, I opened the carton to check them over for damage before putting them in my cart. That's when I noticed the young man beside me, mimicking my every move. When he saw I had noticed him, he leaned toward me and whispered conspiratorially, "What are we looking for?"

Not So Purely By Chance

By the time Ted arrived at the high school football game, the first quarter was almost over. "Why are you so late?" his friend asked. "I had to toss a coin to decide between going to church and coming to the game." "How long could that have taken you?" he asked. "Well, I had to toss it 140 times."

Going 55

In New York City, a WCBS Newsradio880 anchor was commenting on how quickly the temperature dropped in NYC on Tuesday. Quoting someone he had heard, he said, "The temperature fell from 90 to 55 so quickly, it was if it saw a state trooper."

 

Today’s Thought

 

In the old days excessive use of commas was considered to be a serious crime...usually resulting in long sentences.