Arrested
Just saw on the news where the world champion
tongue-twister was arrested. I hope they give the guy a tough sentence.
Seniors
Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God
decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses,
keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that
it was good. Then God saw there was
another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would
drop things requiring them to bend, reach, and stretch. And God looked down and
saw that it was good. Then God
considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional
calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more
exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good. So if you find as you age, you are getting up
and down more, remember it's all in your best interest even though you mutter
under your breath.
Name
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,
"I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong,
she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The pastor spoke to her in Sunday School, and
said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but
mother says I'm not."
On The Ball
It was the first day of school, and the first grade teacher decided to see how
much her students knew about math. "Dewey, can you tell me what is 3 and
2?" Dewey said, "That's when you should watch very, very carefully
before you swing at the next pitch."
Substitute Teacher
Walking through the hallways at the middle school where I work, I saw a new
substitute teacher standing outside his classroom with his forehead against a
locker. I heard him mutter, "How did you get yourself into this?"
Knowing that he was assigned to a difficult class, I tried to offer moral
support. "Are you okay?" I asked. "Can I help?" He lifted
his head and replied, "I'll be fine as soon as I get this kid out of his
locker."
School Has Started....
Rushing to work, I was driving too fast and as a result was pulled over by the
highway patrol. The state trooper noticed that my shirt had the name of a local
high school on it. "I teach math there," I explained. The trooper
smiled, and said, "Okay, here's a problem. A teacher is speeding down the
highway at 16 m.p.h. over the limit. At $12 for every mile, plus $40 court
costs, plus the rise in her insurance, what's her total cost?" I replied,
"Taking that total, subtracting the low salary I receive, multiplying by
the number of kids who hate math, then adding to that the fact that none of us
would be anywhere without teachers, I'd say zero." He handed me back my
license. "Math was never my favorite subject," he admitted.
"Please slow down."
Turnabout
Young Johnny finished summer vacation and went back to school. Two days later
his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that Johnny was misbehaving.
"Wait a minute!" said Johnny's mom. "I had him here for two
months and I never once called YOU when he misbehaved!"
Quotable Labor Day Reflections
"The reason why worry kills more people than work is
that more people worry than work." (Robert Frost)
"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a
chance?" (Edgar Bergen)
"Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know
when you're finished." (Leslie Nielsen)
Birthday
Mike and his mother were in the doctor's office for his
pre-school physical. The receptionist, completing his medical history, asked,
"What is your birthdate?" "February 25," Mike answered.
"What year?" the receptionist asked. "Every year," was
Mike's matter-of-fact reply.
Economical
A little girl visiting her neighbor was asked, "How
many children are in your family?" "Seven," she answered. The
neighbor observed that so many children must cost a lot of money. "Oh,
no," the child responded. "We don't buy them. We raise them."
Is That All?
A man decides to join the circus. He shows up to
demonstrate his skills to the impresario. "I have the most unusual
act," he announces. "I'm sure it will amaze you." He climbs up
to the high wire and jumps off! He flaps his arms wildly, and finally his fall
slows. He soars upward, turns, and swoops back again. Finally, he stops in mid
air and gently lowers himself to the ground. The impresario says, "Is that
all you've got? Bird impressions?"
English Language
Before setting off on a business trip to Tulsa, I called
the hotel where I'd be staying to see if they had a gym. The hotel
receptionist's sigh had a tinge of exasperation in it when she answered. "We have over 300 guests at this facility,"
she said. "Does this 'Jim' have a last name?"
Dad Joke
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently, it wasn't
set high enough.
Today’s Thought
95% of people are completely ignorant! Luckily, I'm in
the other 10%.
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