Friday's Funnies

 Today’s Reality

 

Has COVID-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time? You may be entitled to condensation.

 

Typical Tourist

 

A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D.C. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River. "That's impossible," said the tourist. "No one could throw a coin that far!" "You have to remember," answered the guide. "A dollar went a lot farther in those days."

 

Aging

 

-          You don't realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.

-          Sleeping when you're not supposed to is a lot easier than sleeping when you are.

 

Wisdom

 

An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for. The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, "I was going to park there!" The man said, "That's what you can do when you're young and quick.” This really upset the lady even more, so she got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed right into his Mercedes. The young man ran back to his car and asked, "What did you do that for?" The little old lady smiled and told him, "That's what you can do when you're old and rich!"

 

The Real Meaning of Hotel Descriptions

 

Old world charm > No bath

No extra fees > No extras

Nominal fee > Outrageous charge

Standard > Sub-standard

Deluxe > Standard

Superior > One free shower cap

Cozy > Small

All the amenities > Two free shower caps

Plush > Top and bottom sheets

 

Hiccups

 

A man came into the pharmacy and said to the technician, "Do you have anything that will stop hiccups?" The tech leaned over the counter and slapped the man's face. The man said "What did you do that for?"  The tech replied, "Well, you don't have any hiccups now, do you?" The man replied, "I never did. I came in for my wife who's out in the car."

Experience

 

My son is the manager of a glass and window company and advertised in the paper for experienced glaziers. Since a good glass man is hard to find, he was pleased when a man who called about the job said he had over 20 years of experience. "Where have you worked as a glazier?" my son asked. The man replied, "Dunkin' Donuts."

 

Briefly Considered...

 

·         Just saw a burglar kicking his own door in. I asked, "What are you doing?" He said, "Working from home."

·         If ignorance is bliss, why aren't most people in a better mood?

·         I wonder what my dog named me.

·         I put my grandma on speed dial. I called that Instagram.

·         I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart when they haven't even seen one of his paintings.

 

She's Right!

On February 29th, the teacher was explaining to her second grade students the days of the month. She told them that we add the extra day every four years to adjust for the earth's rotation around the sun. She went on to explain that, "some months have 30 days and other months have 31 days." Then she asked "which month has 28 days?" Rachel replied, "They all do!"

Home Shopping

Real Estate Agent:  "This house has its good points and its bad points. The disadvantages are a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north."
Prospective Buyer:  "Yikes. What are the advantages?"
Agent:  "You can always tell which way the wind is blowing."

You Know You Live in a Small Town When...

 

·         The "road hog" in front of you on Main Street is a farmer's combine.

·         The local phone book has only one yellow page.

·         Third Street is on the edge of town.

·         You leave your jacket on the back of the chair in the café, and when you go back the next day, it's still there, on the same chair.

·         You don't signal turns because everyone knows where you're going anyway.

·         No social events can be scheduled when the school gym floor is being varnished.

·         You call a wrong number and are supplied with the correct one.

 

Dad Joke

 

There was the person who sent ten puns to friends with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

 

Today’s Thought

 

Q:  What do you get when you mix poison ivy with a four-leaf clover? A: A rash of good luck.