Friday's Funnies

 Pulled Over

 

Cop: You know how fast you were going?
Guy: Sorry officer, I was just trying to catch up with traffic.
Cop: What traffic? The road is empty.
Guy: Yea, that's how far behind I am.

 

Rejected International Sports Team Names

 

Brussels Sprouts

Cannes Openers

Vienna Sausages

Belgium Waffles

Manila Folders

Czech Bouncers

New Delhi Catessans

Seoul Brothers

Taipei Personalities

Hungary Jacks

Prague Tologists

 

Mom Texting

 

A mother texting to her son, "John, just found out Aunt Elsie died. LOL"

Son: "Why are you saying LOL?"

Mom: "I am adding Lots Of Love."

Son: "Mom, that means Laughing Out Loud!"

 

Homework

 

I asked my student where his homework was. He replied, “It’s still in my pencil.”

 

You Asked

 

A young woman decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her friend next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size. "Buffy," she said, "how many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?" "Ten," said Buffy. So the girl bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover. "Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 leftover!" "Yeah!" said Buffy. "So did I."

 

Smarter Than You'd Think

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This kid is not so bright. Watch while I prove it to you." The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters, leaves the dollar and heads out the door. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!" Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store and says, "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?" The boy licked his 50-cent cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

 

Cards

 

Terry slammed his cards on the table and left the game in a huff. "Boy," said another player disgustingly, "I really hate playing cards with a bad loser." "He isn't very pleasant," another player said, raking in the chips, "but it's better than playing with a good winner."

 

Birthdays

 

My four-year-old son told me that it was his stuffed animal's birthday today. Since this was probably the third birthday this animal had in about as many weeks, I commented that she seems to have a lot of birthdays. He explained, "Well, the older you get, the faster they come!"

 

Always On Call

A pastor assured his congregation he was their servant and that they should feel free to call him anytime they had a problem. That night the pastor's phone rang at 3 a.m. On the other end was a dear elderly lady who said, "Pastor, I can't sleep." "I'm so sorry to hear that," he comforted her. "But what can I do about it?" The pastor asked. She sweetly replied, "Preach to me a while, pastor."

It's What He Said

On one particular Sunday, the pastor was emphasizing the importance of everyone giving their tithes and offerings. He went on to challenge the people to give enthusiastically because 2 Corinthians 9:7 says in it that "God loves a cheerful giver." As the plate was passed, a little boy in the second pew quickly slipped off his necktie and placed it into the offering plate. His mother, absolutely mortified, asked him what in the world he thought he was doing. The boy replied, "The pastor said put your ties in the offering plate and do it joyfully. I love that man!"

Not What She Wanted

As a department store retail clerk, I requested identification from a customer who had just written a personal check for her purchase. After fumbling through her purse, she presented me with what she said was the only thing that bore both her name and address. It was notice from her bank — of insufficient funds.

Quickies

 

·         You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.

·         I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. I tried — but they wanted cash.

 

Dad Joke

 

Just so everyone's clear, I'm going to put my glasses on.

 

Today’s Thought

 

The reason reusable shopping bags last so long is that we forget to take them back to shop with.