Friday's Funnies

 To Tell The Tooth

 

Fresh from a visit to the dentist, I decided to stop at my bank. Barely able to enunciate, I told the teller, "I'm sorry about not speaking more clearly. I've been to the dentist."  "You should have used the drive-through," she said. "Why?" "Everyone who goes through sounds like you."

 

Observational Humor

 

Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head on my lap.  I carefully removed his glasses.  "You know Honey," I said sweetly, "without your glasses, you look like the same handsome young man I married."  "Honey," he replied with a grin, "without my glasses, you still look pretty good too."

 

Sugar-Coated Advice

 

A man goes to the doctor complaining about stomach problems. The doctor asks him what he's been eating.  "I only eat Skittles candy," he says. "Red ones for breakfast, yellow ones for lunch, orange for afternoon snacks, and purple for dinner."  "I see the problem," says the doctor. "You're not getting enough greens."

 

Green Thumb

 

Last October my wife bought a magnolia tree from the local nursery, but after only a few weeks the leaves shriveled. It appeared to be on its last legs.  My wife took some leaf samples and marched into the nursery to demand an explanation.  "I know exactly what's wrong with your magnolia," said the manager.  "Good," said my wife. "What's it suffering from?"  "Autumn," he replied

 

The Fisherman

After fishing for walleye all day and not getting so much as a bite, the fisherman gave up. On the way home he stopped at a fish market and asked the proprietor to throw him six of the biggest fish he had. "Throw them? Why?" asked the proprietor. "Because I'm going to catch them. I may be a lousy fisherman, but I'm not a liar."

 

Two Liners

 

I heard that by law you have to turn on your headlights when it's raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know when it's raining in Sweden?

If you cry when you cut an onion, here's a tip:
Don't get emotionally attached.

95% of people are completely STUPID!
Luckily, I'm in the other 10%.

My body is in a disgusting, embarrassing, totally repulsive state right now.
New Jersey, I'm in New Jersey.

What do you call a person who is happy on Mondays?
Unemployed.

It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub and a 30 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.

Saying Grace

 

A Sunday School teacher was trying to explain about saying grace before meals.  One of the pupils was the young son of the minister of that church, so she started the discussion by asking him, "Jerry, what does your father say when the family sits down to dinner?"  Jerry answered, "Dad says 'Go easy on the butter, kids - it's three bucks a pound!'"

 

Tip

 

A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Mr. Smith. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Mr. Smith asked: "What is the usual tip?"  "Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."  "Is that so?" snorted Mr. Smith. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars." "Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."  "What are you studying in school?" asked Mr. Smith.  The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."

 

A Matter Of Perspective

 

College student: "Hey, Dad! I've got some great news for you!"
Father: "Really?  What's the good news?"
College student: "Remember that $500 you promised me if I made the Dean's list?"
Father: "I certainly do."
College student: "Well, you get to keep it."

University Basketball

 

The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded better recruits. "These athletes you're sending me aren't the brightest," the coach blustered. "Just look." He stepped into the hall and grabbed a team member who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered. Ten minutes later the athlete returned, sweaty and out of breath. "You're not there, sir," he reported. The university president scratched his head. "I see what you mean," conceded the president, "I would have phoned."

 

Dad Joke

 

Once upon a time, there a king who was only 12 inches tall. He was a terrible king, but made a great ruler.

 

Today’s Thought

 

Dogs must think their masters are hypocrites for constantly using the restroom in the house.