Friday's Funnies

 

Productivity

Because of his ongoing ability to increase office productivity, the "Employee of the Month" award again goes to Mr. Coffee.

Thoughts Sought

In a public restroom, I saw a sign that read "THINK" on the mirror above the sink. So I labelled the soap dispenser "THOAP" to match.

Verbose Vermin

A mother mouse and her daughter were suddenly attacked by a cat! The mother mouse yelled, "Woof! Arf! Bark!" The cat immediately ran away in terror. The mother mouse looked to her daughter. "See," she said. "It's important to know a foreign language!"

Cold Comfort

My landlord texted me saying we need to meet up and talk about how high my heating bill is. I replied back: "Sure, my door is always open."

 

Look Out

As the manager of our hospital's softball team, I was responsible for returning equipment to the proper owners at the end of the season.  When I walked into the surgery department carrying a bat that belonged to one of the surgeons, I passed several patients and their families in a waiting area. I heard one man say to his wife, "Look, honey, here comes your anesthesiologist."

 

Daddy Said

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us." The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear?" she asked. The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again."

 

Parking Meter

On a visit to Boston, I noticed a parking meter with a paper sack over it upon which was written: "Broken." A skeptical parking officer removed the bag, inserted a quarter in the meter and turned the dial. It worked perfectly. As the officer began to write a parking ticket, the car's owner rushed out of a nearby building. "What are you doing?" he yelled after a quick glance at the meter. "There's plenty of time left!"

 

Random Jokes

I really didn't want to get out of bed this morning, but the staff at the bed warehouse were so insistent.

 

I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do it's because I missed my exit.

 

I went to the store to buy some candleholders, but they didn't have any, so I bought a cake.

 

What do you get when you wake up and realize you ran out of coffee?  A depresso.

 

Where do fish sleep? In the RiverBed.

 

Clapping is giving yourself a high-five for someone else's hard work.

 

Crushing pop cans is soda pressing.

 

A police report said all the lamps were stolen from a house. When asked, the homeowner said he was delighted.

 

Why is that?

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

What do chickens think we taste like?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?

Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?

Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?

If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?

If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

 

Dad Joke

Did you know they won't be making yardsticks any longer?

 

Today’s Thought

So many people these days are judgmental. I can tell just by looking at them.