Friday's Funnies

 

Healthy Eating

 

A man goes to the doctor complaining about stomach problems. The doctor asks him what he's been eating.  "I only eat pool balls," he says. "Red ones for breakfast, yellow and orange ones for lunch, blue for afternoon snacks, and purple and black for dinner."  "I see the problem," says the doctor. "You're not getting enough greens."

 

Need A Vacation

 

A friend of mine bought his wife a world map and gave her a dart and said, throw this, and wherever it lands--that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends. It turns out that they will be spending two weeks behind the fridge.

 

Puns For The Kid In Us

- Why was the cookie so unhappy?  Because his mother was a wafer so long.

- Why did the waiter fall over?  He was tipped.

- Why did the ocean refuse her boyfriend's marriage proposal?  She didn't want to be tide down. (Cynthia MacGregor)

- Define "Pharmacist": A helper on the farm.

- Use "Lettuce" in a sentence: This New Year's eve LETTUCE celebrate together.

- Headline: Defendant's Speech Ends In Long Sentence

- Book Title: "Why I Was Sent To Prison" by Robin Banks

- The blind man picked up a hammer and saw!

- If you drop a piano down a mine shaft, you'll get A flat minor.

- Whether it's a pancake or a baseball team, the secret is to start with a good batter.

Playing Doctor

 

The seven-year-old told her mom that a little boy in her class asked her to play doctor.

"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"

"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."

Revenge

 

A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court."  He smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not run a red light' five hundred times."

 

It's Not A Cat, It’s …

A small, four-legged, fur-bearing extortionist.
A wildlife control expert impersonator.
An un-programmable animal.
A four footed allergen.
A hair relocation expert.
A treat-seeking missile.
A lap-warmer with a built-in buzzer.
A small, furry lap fungus.

Animal Superbowl

 

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"
"I did," said the centipede.
"Who stopped the rhino?"
"Uh, that was me too," said the centipede.
"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"
"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.
"SO WHERE WERE YOU THE FIRST HALF?" demanded the coach.
"Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."

Blond Joke

 

A blond driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. The blond remembered what Dad had said: "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it."  Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it, for about forty-five minutes.  Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked what happened. The blond explained what Dad said.  The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Walmart parking lot. Do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"

 

Dad Joke

 

I ate a kid's meal at McDonald's today. His mom got really angry.

 

Today’s Thought

 

I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do it's because I missed my exit.