Friday's Funnies

 Lost

 

Driving to a new restaurant, a woman took several wrong turns. When she finally found the right road, she asked her husband, "Why didn't you tell me I was lost?"  "I thought you knew where you were going," he replied. "You always know where you're going when I'm driving."

 

In-laws

 

A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

 

Flowers

 

A man stops by his local florist shop to buy flowers for his new girlfriend for Valentine's Day. He asks the proprietor, "You know the expression, 'You should say it with flowers'?"  "How about three dozen of my finest roses?" the florist asks.  "Make it a half dozen roses," the man answers. "I'm a man of few words."

 

Excuses

 

TEACHER: Why didn't you study?

 

STUDENT: A year has 365 days for you to study. After taking away 52 Sundays, there are only 313 days left. There are 50 days in the summer that are way too hot to work so there are only 263 days left. We sleep 8 hours a day, in a year, that counts up to 122 days so now we're left with 141 days. If we fooled around for only 1 hour a day, 15 days are gone, so we are left with 126 days. We spend 2 hours eating each day - 30 days are used in this way in the year, and we are left with 96 days in our year. We spend 1 hour a day speaking to friends and family, that takes away 15 days more and we are left with 81 days. Exams and tests take up at least 35 days in your year; hence you are only left with 46 days. Taking off approximately 40 days of holidays, you are only left with 6 days. Say you are sick for a minimum of 3 days; you're left with 3 days in the year to study! Let's say you only go out for 2 days...you're left with 1 day. But that 1 day is your birthday. That's why I did not study.

 

Teacher: Class dismissed.

 

Q&A

 

Q: What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
A: Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand?
Q. Did Adam and Eve ever have a date?
A. No, they had an apple!
Q. What did the flame say to his buddies after he fell in love?
A. "I found the perfect match!"
Q: Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine?
A: He fell in love with a pin cushion!
Q: If your aunt ran off to get married, what would you call her?
A: Antelope.
Q. Do you have a date for Valentine's day?
A. Yes, February 14th.

Unexpected Blessings

Four expectant fathers were in a Minnesota hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse comes in and tells the first man, "Congratulations, you're the father of twins."  "What a coincidence!" the man exclaims. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team!"  The nurse returns a short while later and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets."  "Wow, what a coincidence!" he replies. "I work for the 3M Corporation."  When the nurse comes again, she tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets.  "Another coincidence!" he tells her. "I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"  At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask him what was wrong. He moans, "I work for Seven-Eleven!"

Puntastic

 

·         What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?  It gets toad away.

·         If you ever get cold, stand in the corner of a room for a while.  They're usually 90 degrees.

·         What did the duck say when it bought lipstick?  "Put it on my bill."

·         What's the best thing about Switzerland?  I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

·         What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?  One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

·         I took part in the suntanning Olympics, but I only got bronze.

·         Not only is my new thesaurus terrible, it's also terrible.

·         I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.

·         The other day I held the door open for a clown. It was a nice jester.

 

Beauty

 

A couple is watching the news.  They hear that a beautiful actress is marrying an athlete who's famous for his lack of IQ and common sense.

Husband: "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives!"

Wife: "Why thank you, dear!"

 

Happy Birthday

 

A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?" She said, "I'd love to be ten again." On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning. Then they were off to a movie theater where they ate popcorn and sweets and drank Cola. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed. Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?" One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey, I meant dress size!

 

Dad Joke

 

Good news! The Lego Store has reopened! People are lined up for blocks!!

 

Today’s Thought

 

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point. The glass is refillable.