Thanksgiving Day!
Thanksgiving Day was approaching and the family had received
a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on their way to
church. Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing:
"The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and
fathers." "Oh yeah?" her young grandson replied, "So
why is their dad carrying that rifle?"
Things To Do To Liven Up Thanksgiving Dinner
1. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen,
toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table.
Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake.
2. When everyone goes around to say what they are
thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught," and refuse to
say anything more
3. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in
the DVD when Dad's not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of
the game. When he comes into the room, turn off the DVD and turn on the regular
TV.
4. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and
abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.
5. During mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom, I
told you they wouldn't notice that the turkey was past the expiration date. You
were worried for nothing."
Signs You Overdid It This Thanksgiving
~ Paramedics bring in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of
the recliner.
~ You receive a Sumo Wrestler application in your email.
~ You set off 3 earthquake seismographs on your morning jog Friday.
~ Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only yielded gravy.
~ You have 5 TV sets side-by-side to catch all the football games.
~ Representatives from the Butterball Hall of Fame called twice.
~ Your arms are too short to reach the keyboard & delete this.
Thanksgiving Weather Forecast
Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven
to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you
bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.
During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of
a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two
inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry
sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.
A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued
for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the
evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low
of 34F in the refrigerator.
Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to
eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both
days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a
warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be
low as the only wish left will be the bone.
You
Might Be a Redneck This Thanksgiving If...
... you've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a ping-pong table.
... Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.
... you've ever reused a paper plate.
... you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the
side.
... you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
... your turkey platter is an old hubcap.
... your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.
... your stuffing's secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.
... your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup.
... side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.
... you have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge’.
... the directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."
... you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
... you have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
... your secret family recipe is illegal.
... you serve Vienna sausage as an appetizer.
Q&A
Q: What's the difference between Thanksgiving and April
Fool's Day?
A: On one you're thankful and on the other you're
prankful!
Today’s Thought
If I were a turkey, I'd be doing everything I could to
taste terrible right now.
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