Friday's Funnies

Doctor

Father: What you want to be in your life?

Son: A Doctor.

Father: What skills do you have of a doctor?

Son: Doctor's handwriting.

Patient: "Doctor, doctor!  I keep seeing spots before my eyes!"

Doctor: "Have you seen an ophthalmologist?"

Patient: "No, just spots."

Quickies

- What did one hip bone say to the other hip bone? Let's get out of this joint.

- I've finally lost my mind. If found, do not return it. It wasn't working anyway.

- What's worse than hearing the alarm clock? Not hearing it.

- I've found that if you tuck one part of your pants legs into your sock, people expect less of you.

Day Off

John goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."  "We're short-handed, John," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off." "Thanks, boss," says John, "I knew I could count on you!"

Signs Found in Kitchens

- A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious.

- A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

- Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

- A clean kitchen is a sign of a misspent life.

- Help keep the kitchen clean — eat out.

- Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.

- My next house will have no kitchen — just vending machines.

Speech

A good speech needs a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.

Murphy’s Technology Laws

Murphy's Technology Law #1: You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

Murphy's Technology Law #2: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

Murphy's Technology Law #3: Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

Murphy's Technology Law #4: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

Murphy's Technology Law #5: An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he/she knows absolutely everything about nothing.

Murphy's Technology Law #6: Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it, and he'll have to touch to be sure.

Murphy's Technology Law #7: All great discoveries are made by mistake.

Murphy's Technology Law #8: Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

Murphy's Technology Law #9: All's well that ends... period.

Murphy's Technology Law #10: A meeting is an event at which minutes are kept and hours are lost.

Murphy's Technology Law #11: The first myth of management is that it exists.

Murphy's Technology Law #12: A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.

Murphy's Technology Law #13: New systems generate new problems.

Murphy's Technology Law #14: To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.

Murphy's Technology Law #15: We don't know one-millionth of one percent about anything.

Murphy's Technology Law #16: Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

Murphy's Technology Law #17: A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.

Long Sermon

There was this lady who was visiting a church one Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep. After the service, she walked up to a very sleepy-looking gentleman, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn." And the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one, ma'am, I'm glad it's done too!!"

Today’s Thoughts

- A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place.  Isn't that handy?

- Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy chocolate, which is kind of the same thing.