Friday's Funnies

Workout

I did the Kid’s Workout yesterday.  Now I’m sore in my Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes, Knees and Toes.

I'm A Senior Citizen...

I'm the life of the party...even when it lasts until 8 p.m.

I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.

I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.

I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.

I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.

I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over.

I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.

I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians...

I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

I'm having trouble remembering simple words like...uhhhh...ummmm

I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.

I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

I'm supporting all movements now...by eating bran, prunes, and raisins.

Gifts

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.  The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."  The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."  The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."   Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."  "Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"  "Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

Thank You!

A teenager who had just received her learner's permit offered to drive her parents to church. After a hair-raising ride, they finally reached their destination.  The mother got out of the car and said, "Thank you!"  "Any time," her daughter replied.  As the woman slammed the door, she said, "I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to God."

Lesser-Known Knights of the Round Table

1. The knight who was afraid to fight: Sir Render
2. The unbelievable knight: Sir Real
3. The knights who were so fat they sat around a table by themselves: Sir Round and Sir Cumference
4. The undercover knight: Sir Veillance
5. The knight who came to an untimely end: Sir Cease
6. The knight who never got killed in battle: Sir Vivor
7. The knight who always guessed right: Sir Miser
8. The knight who exceeded expectations: Sir Past
9. The knight who showed up unexpectedly: Sir Prise
10. The knight who overcame obstacles: Sir Mount
11. The knight who funded the castle's operations: Sir Tax
12. The knight who kept the kingdom's maps up to date: Sir Veyor
13. The knight who drank too much: Sir Rhosis
14. The knight always called on as the first substitute: Sir Rogate
15. The most outstanding of all the knights: Sir Perb
16. The hardest knight of them all: Sir Amic
17. The knight who was most at home in a 3-ring castle: Sir Cus
18. The saddest knight of them all: Sir Rowful
19. The extra knights: Sir Perfluous and Sir Pernumerary
20. The dancing knight: Sir Prance Alot

Gift for a Wife

Bill meets Doug shopping at the mall and sees he has a small gift-wrapped box.  "It's my wife's birthday tomorrow." Doug said. "Last week I asked her what she wanted for her birthday."  "And???" Bill asked.  "Well, she said 'Oh, I don't know just give me something with diamonds in it'."  "So what did you get her?" asked Bill. "I bought her a deck of cards!!"

Dress Code For Seniors

Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together:

~ A nose ring and bifocals.
~ Spiked hair and bald spots.
~ A pierced tongue and dentures.
~ Miniskirts and support hose.
~ Ankle bracelets and corn pads.
~ Speedo's and cellulite.
~ A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar.
~ Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor.
~ Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge.
~ Bikinis and liver spots.
~ Short shorts and varicose veins.
~ Inline skates and a walker.

But, otherwise, WE'RE LOOKIN' GOOD!

Today’s Thought

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case.