Friday's Funnies

It’s About Time

A tornado hit a Kansas farmhouse just before dawn one morning. It tore off the roof, and picked up the bed on which the farmer and his wife were sleeping. By some miracle, the cyclone set them down unharmed in the next county over.  The wife was sobbing uncontrollably. "Don't be scared, Mary," her husband said. "We're not hurt."  Mary continued to cry. "I'm not scared," she said between sobs. "I'm happy...this is the first time in 14 years we've been out together."

WWJD

In a shop that sold religious items was a display of baseball caps with "WWJD" printed on them.

Customer: "WWJD?  What does that mean?"

Clerk: "WWJD stands for 'What Would Jesus Do' "

Customer: "Well, I'm pretty sure Jesus wouldn't pay $23.95 for one of these baseball caps."

Definition

Vegetarian: Native American word meaning "lousy hunter."

You're From A Small Town If...

- You can name everyone you graduated with.  

- You know what each H in 4-H stands for.

- You give directions by references: "Turn by Nelson's house, go two blocks past Anderson's, and it's four houses left of the track field."

- You can't help but date a friend's ex-girlfriend.

- The town next to you is considered "trashy" or "snooty," but is actually just like your town.

- Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the feed store.

- You see at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town.

- The city council meets at the coffee shop.

- You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over and ask if you need a ride.

- Your teacher calls you by your older sibling's name.

How Do Court Recorders Keep Straight Faces?

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No..

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Today’s Thought

Went to the doctor yesterday and he asked me if obesity runs in my family? I told him no one runs in my family.