Friday's Funnies

Logic

Recently, I bought a cartridge for my printer. It came in a box mounted on a card and wrapped in plastic. When I took it apart, I found that the printer cartridge itself was actually quite small, but they made the packaging unnecessarily large to make it harder to steal and to make the customer feel better about the high price.  I pointed this out to my wife and mentioned how my weight gain over the years of our marriage should have the same effect: It made me seem more valuable and also made me harder for other women to steal.

Point Of View

A guy was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open, he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open again and he said, "You're cute!" The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute." She said, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was, "The drugs are wearing off!"  (P.S. - There's no word on his subsequent condition following the resultant "incident.")

Pie

In a country home that seldom had guests, the young son was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office. When the dinner was nearly over, the boy went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father, who passed it to a guest. The boy came in with a second piece of pie and again watched his father give it to another guest. This was too much for the boy, who said, "It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size."

Making Cents

Someone in our neighborhood put a huge sofa out by the curb for trash collection. Since it was in good shape, many motorists slowed down for a look. But when they saw how enormous it was, they'd leave. Eventually a little compact car pulled up, and two men got out. "This I've got to see," I thought. They removed the cushions, turned the sofa upside down and shook it hard. Then they picked up all the coins that tumbled out and drove off.

Cop Quotes

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"And if you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you ANOTHER ticket."

Top problems with working in a cubicle:

~ Being told to "think outside the box" when you're in an ACTUAL box all day long.

~ That nagging feeling that if you press the right button, you'll get a piece of cheese.

~ The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right.

~ You can't walk out and slam the door when you quit.

The Fine Print

After being laid off, I papered the town with my resumé. Days passed and I hadn't received a single phone call, so I decided to take a closer look at the copies my husband had printed at his real estate office. I quickly realized he hadn't put blank paper in the machine. At the bottom of each copy, written in bold, was a common real estate disclaimer: "The information contained herein, while deemed to be accurate, is not guaranteed."

Short Takes

·        They say a dog can retrieve a ball from a mile away. That seems a bit far-fetched to me.

·        I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise. My boss asked, "What companies?" I told him, "Gas, water and electricity."

·        There will always be death and taxes. The difference is that death doesn't get worse every year.

10 Signs You Should Ask Your Boss For A Raise

10. You take your paycheck to the bank and the teller bursts out in hysterical laughter.
9. The Red Cross calls and offers you emergency assistance.
8. Your only charge cards are for the Salvation Army, ARC, and DAV thrift stores.
7. You work full time and you still qualify for food stamps.
6. You empty out your piggy bank and then cook the bank and serve it for your Easter ham.
5. All you can think about morning, noon and night is clipping grocery coupons.
4. You file your income taxes and the IRS returns them stamped, "Charity Case -- Return To Sender."
3. You set the world record for mailing $1.00 rebate requests to Young America, Minnesota.
2. You pay all your bills, put your remaining $1 bill into your billfold and it goes into shock.
1. You get arrested for taking the coins out of the fountain in the mall.

Funny Book Titles

~ "Come on In!” by Doris Open
~ "The German Bank Robbery" by Hans Zupp
~ "I Hate the Sun" by Gladys Knight
~ "Prison Security" by Barb Dweyer
~ "Irish First Aid" by R. U. O'Kaye
~ "My Career As a Clown" by Abe Ozo
~ "I Didn't Do It!" by Ivan Alibi
~ "Why I Eat at McDonalds" by Tommy Ayk
~ "I Hit the Wall" by Isadore There
~ "The Bruce Lee Story" by Marsha Larts
~ "Rapunzel Rapunzel" by Harris Long
~ "Split Personalities" by Jacqueline Hyde

Today’s Thoughts

I got gas today for $1.49. Unfortunately, it was Taco Bell.