Idle Thoughts
- I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
- I had amnesia once -- or twice.
- Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
- All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
- What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
- They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.
- Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
- Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
- What if there were no hypothetical questions?
- One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
- A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
- I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
- The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
- How can there be self-help "groups"?
- Is there another word for synonym?
- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
- The speed of time is one-second per second.
- Is it possible to be totally partial?
- If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
- It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
- Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
- I had amnesia once -- or twice.
- Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
- All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
- What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
- They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.
- Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
- Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
- What if there were no hypothetical questions?
- One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
- A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
- I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
- The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
- How can there be self-help "groups"?
- Is there another word for synonym?
- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
- The speed of time is one-second per second.
- Is it possible to be totally partial?
- If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
- It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
- Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
Wisdom
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He wisely answered, "Call for backup."
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He wisely answered, "Call for backup."
Not So Fast
A pastor watched a televised church service and was impressed by how everyone would turn around to greet and shake hands with other worshipers seated near them. The pastor felt that his church was a bit stuffy and could use a bit of friendliness. So, at Sunday morning worship he announced that next week they would initiate this custom of greeting one another. At the close of this same worship service one man turned around to the lady behind him and said a cheerful, "Good morning!" She looked back at him with shock at his boldness and said indignantly, "I beg your pardon! That friendliness business doesn't start until next Sunday!"
Vending
When the plate went by a little boy who was attending church for the first time, he dropped a penny in, then asked his mother, "What will come out of the plate, bubble gum or licorice?"
Miracle Cure?
Doctor Bloomfield, who was known for extraordinary treatment of arthritis, had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, almost bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office and, amazingly, emerged within 5 minutes walking completely erect with her head held high. A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this rushed up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?" "Gave me a longer cane."
A pastor watched a televised church service and was impressed by how everyone would turn around to greet and shake hands with other worshipers seated near them. The pastor felt that his church was a bit stuffy and could use a bit of friendliness. So, at Sunday morning worship he announced that next week they would initiate this custom of greeting one another. At the close of this same worship service one man turned around to the lady behind him and said a cheerful, "Good morning!" She looked back at him with shock at his boldness and said indignantly, "I beg your pardon! That friendliness business doesn't start until next Sunday!"
Vending
When the plate went by a little boy who was attending church for the first time, he dropped a penny in, then asked his mother, "What will come out of the plate, bubble gum or licorice?"
Miracle Cure?
Doctor Bloomfield, who was known for extraordinary treatment of arthritis, had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, almost bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office and, amazingly, emerged within 5 minutes walking completely erect with her head held high. A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this rushed up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?" "Gave me a longer cane."
Student News
College student: "Hey, Dad — I've got some great news for you!"
Father: "What's that, son?"
College student: "Remember that $500 you promised me if I made the Dean's list?"
Father: "I certainly do."
College student: "Well, you get to keep it!"
Ancestry
The following was overheard at a recent "high society" party: "My ancestry goes back all the way to Alexander the Great," said Christine. She then turned to Miriam and asked, "How far back does your family go?" "I don't know," replied Miriam, "All of our records were lost in the flood."
The Rookie
A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner." No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?" "Pretty good," replied the veteran, "especially since this was a bus stop."
No Escape
Determined to have one last, lazy day of fishing before summer's end, I purposely ignored the leaky faucet and the broken gate — household projects that had awaited me all summer. When my wife asked, "What are you going to do today?" I grinned and answered, "It starts with F and ends with ISH." "Oh, good," she replied. "You're finally going to FinISH up those projects."
Silence Pun
At a wedding I attended, the priest called for a moment of silence to remember the faithful dead. As the church grew quiet, a little boy sitting in front of me turned to his father and said excitedly, "Dad, you have some of their albums!"
College student: "Hey, Dad — I've got some great news for you!"
Father: "What's that, son?"
College student: "Remember that $500 you promised me if I made the Dean's list?"
Father: "I certainly do."
College student: "Well, you get to keep it!"
Ancestry
The following was overheard at a recent "high society" party: "My ancestry goes back all the way to Alexander the Great," said Christine. She then turned to Miriam and asked, "How far back does your family go?" "I don't know," replied Miriam, "All of our records were lost in the flood."
The Rookie
A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner." No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?" "Pretty good," replied the veteran, "especially since this was a bus stop."
No Escape
Determined to have one last, lazy day of fishing before summer's end, I purposely ignored the leaky faucet and the broken gate — household projects that had awaited me all summer. When my wife asked, "What are you going to do today?" I grinned and answered, "It starts with F and ends with ISH." "Oh, good," she replied. "You're finally going to FinISH up those projects."
Silence Pun
At a wedding I attended, the priest called for a moment of silence to remember the faithful dead. As the church grew quiet, a little boy sitting in front of me turned to his father and said excitedly, "Dad, you have some of their albums!"
Today’s Thought
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.
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