Friday's Funnies

If My Body Were A Car

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.  I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.  My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.  My traction is not as graceful as it once was.  I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.  My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.  It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.  My fuel rate burns inefficiently.  But here's the worst of it -- Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter..... either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

Salesman

The phone rang. It was a salesman from a mortgage refinance company calling a woman:  "Do you have a second mortgage on your home?"   "No," she replied.   "Would you like to consolidate all your debts?"   "I really don't have any debts," she said.   "How about freeing up cash for home improvements?" he tried.  "I don't need any. I just recently had some done and paid cash," she parried.  There was a brief silence, and then he asked, "Are you looking for a husband?"

Miracle Cure?

Doctor Bloomfield, who was known for extraordinary treatment of arthritis, had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, almost bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office and, amazingly, emerged within 5 minutes walking completely erect with her head held high.  A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this rushed up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"  "Gave me a longer cane."

Just Sign Here

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So, I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

Meeting Schedule

Mr. Frobisher always scheduled the weekly staff meeting for four-thirty on Friday afternoons. When one of the employees finally got up the nerve to ask why, he explained. "I will tell you why. I've learned that's the only time of the week when nobody wants to argue with me."

Golf

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?" "Yes," the golfer responded. "Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" the cop asked. "Yes, I did. How did you know?" the golfer asked. "Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?" The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

School Daze

In a grammar lesson in eighth grade Mrs. O'Neill said, "Sam, give me a sentence with a direct object." Sam replied, "Everyone thinks you are the best teacher in the school." "Thank you, Sam," responded Mrs. O'Neill, "But what is the object?" Sam said, "To get the best mark possible."

Photo Prophetic

When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture." The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's OK," he reassured the man. "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

Compulsive Worrier

Jack had been a compulsive worrier for years, to the point it was ruining his life. He saw a psychologist who recommended a specialist who could help him.  His friend, Bob, noticed a dramatic change and asked "What happened? Nothing seems to worry you anymore."  "I hired a professional worrier and I haven't had a worry since," replied Jack.  "That must be expensive," Bob replied.  "He charges $5,000 a month," Jack told him.  "$5,000!!? How can you afford to pay him?" exclaimed Bob.  "Hmmm, I don't know. That's his problem."

The Professional Worrier

Jack had been a compulsive worrier for years, to the point it was ruining his life. He saw a psychologist who recommended a specialist who could help him. His friend, Bob, noticed a dramatic change and asked, "What happened? Nothing seems to worry you anymore." "I hired a professional worrier and I haven't had a worry since," replied Jack. "That must be expensive," Bob replied. "Yes, he charges $5,000 a month," Jack told him. "$5,000!!? How can you afford to pay him?" exclaimed Bob. "Hmmm, I don't know. That's his problem."

Pastor

A church secretary takes a call. The caller says, "Is the head hog at the trough there?"  The secretary says, "Please sir, do not refer to our pastor as the 'head hog at the trough.' That is very insulting."  "Oh, I'm very sorry. I meant nothing by that. It's just a local phrase we use in the part of the country I come from. The real reason I called was to donate $50,000 to your building fund."  The secretary says, "Hold on. I see the 'Big Oinker' coming through the door right now."

Today’s Thought

You can distinguish between an alligator and a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or after a while.