The Solution
My husband Joe is a police officer in a small town. He receives many phone calls at home about his work and decided to get an answering machine to screen them, especially the threatening or harassing ones. This is the greeting he prepared: "You have reached the home of a police officer. You have the right to remain silent. If you wish to give up this right, leave your message after the beep. Anything you say can, and probably will, be held against you." The phone calls became much friendlier.
The Real Reason
After weeks of getting the cold shoulder from his wife, the unhappy husband finally confronted her: "Admit it, Linda. The only reason you married me is because my grandfather left me $10 million." "Don't be ridiculous," she replied. "I don't care who left it to you."
Big Prize
Sally goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!" The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free Lunch." But Sally keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!" Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize." Sally insists, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!" And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads... "WIN A BAGEL."
Short Ones
Know-It-All
My 50-something friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to access the popular "Ask Jeeves" site, and we told her it could answer any question she had. Nancy's mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, "It's true, Mom. Think of something to ask it." As I sat with fingers poised over the keyboard, Nancy's mother thought a minute, then responded, "How is Aunt Helen feeling?"
My husband Joe is a police officer in a small town. He receives many phone calls at home about his work and decided to get an answering machine to screen them, especially the threatening or harassing ones. This is the greeting he prepared: "You have reached the home of a police officer. You have the right to remain silent. If you wish to give up this right, leave your message after the beep. Anything you say can, and probably will, be held against you." The phone calls became much friendlier.
The Real Reason
After weeks of getting the cold shoulder from his wife, the unhappy husband finally confronted her: "Admit it, Linda. The only reason you married me is because my grandfather left me $10 million." "Don't be ridiculous," she replied. "I don't care who left it to you."
Big Prize
Sally goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!" The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free Lunch." But Sally keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!" Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize." Sally insists, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!" And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads... "WIN A BAGEL."
Short Ones
- Time takes its toll; please have exact change.
- They say, "Wisdom comes with age," but sometimes age comes alone.
- A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
- Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk nine feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel, then walk nine feet through shag carpet back to my couch.
- Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
- I thought growing older would take longer.
- I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented... I forgot where I was going with this.
- I love being over 65. I learn something new every day — and forget 5 others.
- I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
Number Our Daze
My father was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless someone prepared a meal for him. When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to go to the supermarket for her. She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items. Dad returned shortly, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack the grocery bags. He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, three hams, four boxes of detergent, five boxes of crackers, six eggplants, and seven green peppers.
War & Peace
The Social Studies teacher had just finished a unit on World War II and had spent some time on the differences between war and peace. "How many of you," she asked her class, "would say that you are against war?" Not surprisingly, every hand in the room went up. The teacher then asked, "Who can give us a reason for being against war?" A rather large, bored-looking boy toward the back of the class raised his hand. "Sammy?" the teacher called upon him. "I'm against war," he said, "because wars make history. And I HATE history!"
Random Thoughts
My father was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless someone prepared a meal for him. When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to go to the supermarket for her. She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items. Dad returned shortly, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack the grocery bags. He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, three hams, four boxes of detergent, five boxes of crackers, six eggplants, and seven green peppers.
War & Peace
The Social Studies teacher had just finished a unit on World War II and had spent some time on the differences between war and peace. "How many of you," she asked her class, "would say that you are against war?" Not surprisingly, every hand in the room went up. The teacher then asked, "Who can give us a reason for being against war?" A rather large, bored-looking boy toward the back of the class raised his hand. "Sammy?" the teacher called upon him. "I'm against war," he said, "because wars make history. And I HATE history!"
Random Thoughts
- There are 10 kinds of people: those who understand binary and those who don't.
- My wife said I don't listen. At least I think that's what she said.
- So when is this "Old enough to know better" supposed to kick in?
- I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey, but then I turned myself around.
- Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
- I am not stupid. Everyone else is just smarter than me.
- Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
- 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.
- Think about it: If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.
Good Deal
A man and his ten-year-old son were on a fishing trip miles from home. At the boy's insistence, they decided to attend the Sunday worship service at a small rural church. The father forgot to bring any cash, so he reached in his pocket and gave his son a dime to drop in the offering plate as it was passed. As they walked back to their car after the service, the father complained. "The service was too long," he lamented. "The sermon was boring, and the singing was off key." Finally the boy said, "Daddy, I thought it was pretty good for a dime."
A man and his ten-year-old son were on a fishing trip miles from home. At the boy's insistence, they decided to attend the Sunday worship service at a small rural church. The father forgot to bring any cash, so he reached in his pocket and gave his son a dime to drop in the offering plate as it was passed. As they walked back to their car after the service, the father complained. "The service was too long," he lamented. "The sermon was boring, and the singing was off key." Finally the boy said, "Daddy, I thought it was pretty good for a dime."
Know-It-All
My 50-something friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to access the popular "Ask Jeeves" site, and we told her it could answer any question she had. Nancy's mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, "It's true, Mom. Think of something to ask it." As I sat with fingers poised over the keyboard, Nancy's mother thought a minute, then responded, "How is Aunt Helen feeling?"
How Appropriate
Sign on the door of a church nursery quotes Paul in 1 Corinthians 15:51: "Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed."
Sign on the door of a church nursery quotes Paul in 1 Corinthians 15:51: "Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed."
Today’s Thought
I don't want to say I'm old and worn-out, but I make sure I'm nowhere near the curb on trash day.
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