Friday's Funnies

Say What?

Bob was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of common knowledge and his fairly low IQ.  He turned to his wife Marlene with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."  Marlene replies, "Why thank you, dear!"

What?

I went to the doctor the other day. She told me that I needed to get some exercise. So I went to McDonald's. My wife wanted to know why I went there. I told her the doctor told me to get some extra fries. She made me an appointment with a hearing doctor.

Birds

A couple birds were watching a rocket take off from Kennedy Space Center.  "Wow," said one, "look how fast he flies."  The other replied, "You'd fly like that too it your tail was on fire."

Grandma

Grandma Jones from the valley had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn't take it kindly when a bad case of the mulligrubs sent her to the hospital for observation.  By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed, she had managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the skimpy gown, the food and the mattress, especially, the mattress.  Suddenly, Grandma spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord. "What's that?" she demanded.  "If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma," said one of the interns, "just press that button."  "What does it do, ring a bell?" she asked.  "No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty," the intern replied.  "A light in the hall?" responded Grandma. "Look, I'm the sick one around here. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and switch it on herself."

Ponderisms

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Well-Planned Life

Two elderly women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school. Did you manage to live a well-planned life?"  "Yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker."  Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well-planned life?"  "One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

Food Groups

Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group.

Today’s Thought

I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There’s one called brightness, but it doesn’t seem to work.