Sewing
My granddaughter came to spend a few weeks with me, and I decided to teach her to sew. After I had gone through a lengthy explanation of how to thread the machine, she stepped back, put her hands on her hips, and said in disbelief, "You mean you can do all that, but you can't operate my Game Boy?"
Directions
A tourist stopped a local in a village he was visiting and asked, "What is the quickest way to the lake?" The local thought for a while. "Are you walking or driving?" he asked the tourist. "I'm driving." "That’s the quickest way."
Thoughts To Ponder
1. Why do they call him Donkey Kong if he is not a donkey?
2. Why do they say a football team is the 'world champion' when they don't play anybody outside the US?
3. If you put a chameleon in a room full of mirrors, what color would it turn?
4. What are the handles for corn on the cob called?
5. Why do British people never sound British when they sing?
6. Why do we press the start button to turn off the computer?
7. Do sheep get static cling when they rub against one another?
8. If K.F.C Stands for Kentucky Fried Chicken, why do they play sweet home Alabama on the commercials?
9. Does a 'Marks-A-Lot' marker, mark any more than a regular marker?
10. If nobody buys a ticket to a movie do they still show it?
11. How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
12. Do movie producers still say lights, camera, and action when it is a dark scene?
13. What do you call male ballerinas?
Incredulous
Nancy's nephew was just four when she was pregnant with her first kid. She allowed him to place his hand on her belly and feel the baby kick. His little face scrunched and said, "How does the baby get out of there?" She wanted to keep it simple so she said, "The doctor will help." His eyes widened in amazement as he exclaimed, "You've got a doctor in there, too?"
Nancy's nephew was just four when she was pregnant with her first kid. She allowed him to place his hand on her belly and feel the baby kick. His little face scrunched and said, "How does the baby get out of there?" She wanted to keep it simple so she said, "The doctor will help." His eyes widened in amazement as he exclaimed, "You've got a doctor in there, too?"
Grammar Lesson
In a grammar lesson in eighth grade Mrs. O'Neill said, "Paul, give me a sentence with a direct object." Paul replied, "Everyone thinks you are the best teacher in the school." "Thank you, Paul," responded Mrs. O'Neill, "but what is the object?" "To get the best mark possible," said Paul.
If I Were A Bear
If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.
If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them, too. I could deal with that.
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. Yup…… Now you see my point of why I want to be a bear.
Top Ten Signs The Ushers At Your Church Have Gone Through Customer Service Training
10. Now giving out pagers to alert you when a pew becomes available
9. No more "spiritual profiling" of visitors
8. Offering wider variety of communion wafer toppings
7. Turns the Taser voltage WAY down now when zapping someone sleeping during sermon
6. Will wipe down pew seat for you and not expect a tip
5. Goo-Goo Gaa-Gaa Squad created for crying-baby-crisis
4. Quick-response Communion Cup Disinfection Team for slobberers
3. During lulls in worship service, pushes service cart down aisle, offering beverages and peanuts
2. No longer singing parody lyrics under their breath to praise and worship songs
1. Two words: Pew massages
Off Balance
I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance, she leaned over and pushed me.
I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance, she leaned over and pushed me.
At A Murder Trial In Oklahoma
Scene: A courtroom in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder. There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the defense's closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. "Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom," he says and he looks toward the courtroom door. The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens. Finally, the lawyer says: 'Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door." Answers the representative: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't."
Today’s Thoughts
Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?
and
Why is the letter "W" in English pronounced "double-U"? Shouldn't it be called "double-V"?
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