Friday's Funnies

Oh No!

Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences. The first man said, " my wife was reading a "tale of two cities" and she gave birth to twins".  "That's funny", the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'the three musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets".  The third man shouted, "Oh no, I have to rush home!"  When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, " When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty Thieves"!

Former Classmate

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name.  Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class, some 30-odd years ago.  Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man was way too old to have been my classmate.  After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Northmont high school.  "Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a thunderbolt," he said gleaming with pride.  "When did you graduate?" I asked.  He answered, "in 1975. Why do you ask?"  "You were in my class!", I exclaimed.  He looked at me closely, then, the ugly, old, bald, wrinkle-faced, fat, gray-haired, decrepit idiot asked, "What did you teach?"

Ticket

A driver tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his automobile. "I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses."  When he came back he found a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

Italian Chef

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died:  He pasta way.  We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history.  Here today, gone tomato.  How sad that he ran out of thyme.  Sending olive my prayers to the family.  His wife is really upset. Cheese still not over it.  You never sausage a tragic thing.  Ashes to ashes, crust to crust…

Phone Solicitors

Here are some suggested comebacks to unsolicited, persistent telephone sales callers:

"I'm sorry, but I'm really busy right now. Give me your home number and I'll call you back later tonight."

In the middle of the caller's memorized sales pitch, interrupt with: "What causes a hiccup?"

"You want to sell me insurance? I've been trying to get insurance for years, but nobody will sell me any!"

Another response to rug cleaners or any person offering home services: (Break into tears and say) "Is this some kind of joke? My house burned down last night! We lost everything!"

To a phone company solicitor: "That sounds GREAT! Wait, can you hold for a minute?" (Leave the phone on the table until he/she hangs up.)

Doctors

I went to see the doctor this morning. "Someone decided to graffiti my house last night!" I raged. "So why are you telling me?" the doctor asked.  "I can't understand the writing," I replied. "Was it you?"

Won't Cook

I put a roast in the oven one noon hour and set the timer, a feature I hadn't used yet. Before leaving work that afternoon, I phoned my 14-year-old son to ask him to check the roast and peel some potatoes. Minutes later he called back. "Mom, the roast isn't cooked. The oven didn't come on."  The roast was on the menu again the following day, but this time, since I stopped by the house after a business lunch, I decided to turn the oven on myself. Again, before leaving work, I called my son to check the roast and get the potatoes started. Again, he called me back. "The roast still isn't cooked."  "Listen," I said. "I know the oven's on. I turned it on before I left. I didn't use the timer."  "Oh, the stove's working fine," he told me. "It's just that the roast is still in the refrigerator."

Airhead

An airhead standing by the river sees another airhead on the opposite bank.

Airhead #1: "Yoo-hoo!  Hello over there!  How can I get to the other side of the river?"

Airhead #2: "Stop it -- you ARE on the other side."

The Chinese Doctor & The Lawyer

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.'

Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth.'

Lawyer: 'Ugh. This is kerosene.'

Chinese: 'Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20.'

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.

Lawyer: 'I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.'

Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.'

Lawyer (annoyed): 'This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.'

Chinese: 'Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.'

The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

Lawyer: 'My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all.'

Chinese: 'Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100.'

Lawyer (staring at the note): 'But this is $20, not $100!!'

Chinese: 'Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20'

Today’s Thought

I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.