Tax Collector
Tax collector: It is your duty as a citizen to pay taxes, and we expect you to pay them with a smile. Taxpayer (grinning widely): Wonderful! I thought you expected me to pay them with cash!
Dry Wit
A minister introduced a number of improvements in his church, including hot air dryers in the wash rooms. He had them removed after two weeks because someone had stuck a notice on one of them which read "For details of last week's sermon, please press here."
A minister introduced a number of improvements in his church, including hot air dryers in the wash rooms. He had them removed after two weeks because someone had stuck a notice on one of them which read "For details of last week's sermon, please press here."
Ponderations
· The kindergarten was learning the letters of the alphabet. "What comes after 'T'?" the teacher asked. John quickly replied, "V."
· In light of the economic crisis, my family is extending the 5-second rule for dropped food to 10 seconds, especially in the case of blueberries.
· A woman stopped to talk to the small girl who was making mud pies on the sidewalk. "My word," she exclaimed, "you are pretty dirty, aren't you, my little girl?" "Yes, ma'am," the girl replied, "but I am prettier clean."
· My friend got 8 out 10 on her driver's test. The other two guys managed to jump out of her way.
The Tat
When my brother-in-law was on leave from national service, he brought home a heavily tattooed friend. We all sat down to Sunday lunch, and my four-year-old nephew couldn't take his eyes off the man's colorful arms. Curiosity finally got the better off him. Politely, he asked the visitor, "Didn't your mother give you paper to write on?"
True Confession
Serving as a Marine recruiter in western North Carolina, I found a young man who met all the requirements and was ready to enlist. I explained the importance of being truthful on the application, and he began filling out his paper work. But when he got to the question "Do you own any foreign property or have any foreign financial interests?" he looked up at me with a worried expression. "Well," he confessed, "I do own a Toyota." We enlisted him the next day.
When my brother-in-law was on leave from national service, he brought home a heavily tattooed friend. We all sat down to Sunday lunch, and my four-year-old nephew couldn't take his eyes off the man's colorful arms. Curiosity finally got the better off him. Politely, he asked the visitor, "Didn't your mother give you paper to write on?"
True Confession
Serving as a Marine recruiter in western North Carolina, I found a young man who met all the requirements and was ready to enlist. I explained the importance of being truthful on the application, and he began filling out his paper work. But when he got to the question "Do you own any foreign property or have any foreign financial interests?" he looked up at me with a worried expression. "Well," he confessed, "I do own a Toyota." We enlisted him the next day.
Things You Never Hear in Church
"Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew!"
"I was so enthralled, I never even noticed your sermon went 25 minutes overtime."
"I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I've been sending to TV preachers."
"I'll volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class."
"Forget the denominational minimum salary. Let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do!"
"I love it when we sing worship songs I've never heard before."
"Since we're all here, let's start the service early!"
"Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas."
Jury Selection
An important and very well publicized murder trial was soon to begin. In preparation for the trial, the tiresome jury selection process took place, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors. One prospective juror, Dan O'Keefe, was called for his question session. He was asked, "Property holder?" Dan replied, "Yes, I am, Your Honor." Then he was asked, "Married or single?" Dan responded, "Married for twenty years, Your Honor." Then the judge asked, "Formed or expressed an opinion?" Dan stated with certainty, "Not in twenty years, Your Honor."
Changing Technology
We often have daycare groups come to visit our library for story time. After reading one such group a story, I gave each of the children a bookmark as a memento of their visit. But one little boy, who was more used to technological gadgets than old- fashioned tools, wondered how to use his bookmark. So I demonstrated how to place it between two pages, then closed the book. "When you start reading again, voila!" I said, holding the book as it opened to my bookmarked page. "Wow!" he said. "That's cool!"
We often have daycare groups come to visit our library for story time. After reading one such group a story, I gave each of the children a bookmark as a memento of their visit. But one little boy, who was more used to technological gadgets than old- fashioned tools, wondered how to use his bookmark. So I demonstrated how to place it between two pages, then closed the book. "When you start reading again, voila!" I said, holding the book as it opened to my bookmarked page. "Wow!" he said. "That's cool!"
Palm Sunday Visitor
It was Palm Sunday. But because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm fronds. Johnny asked them what they were for. "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by," his father told him. "Wouldn't you know it," Johnny fumed, "the one Sunday I don't go and He shows up."
Getting Out of Jury Duty
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Prospective Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Prospective Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
It was Palm Sunday. But because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm fronds. Johnny asked them what they were for. "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by," his father told him. "Wouldn't you know it," Johnny fumed, "the one Sunday I don't go and He shows up."
Getting Out of Jury Duty
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Prospective Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Prospective Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
Housekeeping — Or Not
I don't do windows because... I love birds and don't want one to fly into a clean window and get hurt.
I don't wax floors because... I am terrified a guest will slip, hurt themselves, I'll feel terrible and they may sue me.
I don't mind the dust bunnies because... They are very good company, I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.
I don't disturb cobwebs because... I want every creature to have a home of their own.
I don't Spring Clean because... I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous.
I don't pull weeds in the garden because... I don't want to get in God's way, he is an excellent designer.
I don't put things away because... My husband will never be able to find them again.
I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because... I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.
I don't iron because... I choose to believe them when they say "Permanent Press."
Today’s Thought
If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When,, you get the answer to each of them.
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