Friday's Funnies

Easter Sunday

One Easter Sunday morning as the pastor was preaching a children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?"  "I know, I know!" a little boy exclaimed, "pantyhose!"

Why The Easter Bunny Brings Eggs

10. Big tax write-off.

9. Who ever heard of Easter Bricks?

8. Consider all of the varieties: scrambled, over easy, hard boiled.

7. He gets a good deal from the local chickens.

6. Secret plan to eliminate human race by cholesterol overdose.

5. Pressure from the Egg Marketing Board.

4. Because if it brought bottle rockets it would be the Independence Bunny.

3. Would you want to hunt for waffles?

2. He thinks guys should get chicks at least once a year.

1. Because the Energizer Rabbit got the good job.

Deciphering College Students

When I first started college, the Dean came in and said "Good Morning" to all of us. When we echoed back to him, he responded, "Ah, you're Freshmen." Then he explained. "When you walk in and say good morning, and they say good morning back, they're Freshmen. When they put their newspapers down and open their books, they're Sophomores. When they look up so they can see the who's talking over the tops of the newspapers, they're juniors. When they put their feet up on the desks and keep reading, they're seniors. And when you walk in and say good morning, and they write it down, they're graduate students."

The Sermon

After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons.  "Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God." The pastor was thrilled. "Nobody has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why." "Because it endured forever."

From Another Era

We were eating corn on the cob two weeks ago and my 5-year-old daughter Rachel seemed to be struggling with it a little bit. I said, "Rachel, eat it like a typewriter." She looked at me with pure innocence in her eyes and said, "Mommy, what's a typewriter?"

Inner Peace

By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil Show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning I finished off a package of Oreos, a pot of coffee, the rest of the cheesecake, some Saltines and a box of Godiva Chocolates. Dr. Phil was right — you have no idea how great I feel right now!

A Florida Court Sets Atheist Holy Day

In Florida, an atheist created a case against Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.  The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"  The lawyer immediately stood and objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays..." The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counselor, is woefully ignorant." The lawyer said," Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists." The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fool's Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day.  Court is adjourned..."

Grocer

A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25 cents each - three for a dollar."  All day long, customers came in exclaiming: "Don't be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"  Meekly the grocer agreed and packaged four eggplants. The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?"  "What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."

Laughing Boss

"I finally got my boss to laugh," said one friend to another after work.

"Oh, how?"

"I asked for a raise!"

The Helpful Teacher

The teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots. He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were. Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet. He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.' She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they got the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. But my Mom made me wear 'em today.' Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?' He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

Today’s Thought

The word "SWIMS" up¬side-down is still "SWIMS."