Friday's Funnies

Eternity

A man climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai and gets close enough to talk to God.  Looking up, he asks the Lord, "God, what does a million years mean to you?"  The Lord replies, "A minute."  The man then asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"  The Lord replies, "A penny."  Then he asks, "Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute."

Won't Sell to You

One day, a blonde went into an appliance store that was having a sale on TVs. She walked up to the counter and said to the clerk, "I would like to buy this TV."  The clerk replied, "Sorry, I don't sell to blondes."  So, the blonde dyed her hair brown and returned the next day. Again, she went up to the counter and said, "I would like to buy this TV."  Again, the clerk answered, "Sorry, I don't sell to blondes."  Puzzled, the blonde asked, "How did you know I was a blonde?"  The clerk replied, "Because that is a microwave."

Tonsillectomy

We were on our way to the hospital where our 16-year-old daughter was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride we talked about how the procedure would be performed.  "Dad," our teenager asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open during the surgery?"  Without hesitation he quipped, "They're going to give you a phone."

Mrs. Right

Sitting in the bar George asked his 40-year-old friend John, "How come you aren't married?" 

John: "I haven't found the right woman yet."

George: "So what are you looking for?"

John: "Oh she's got to be real pretty, a good cook and house keeper. She's got to know how to handle money, have a nice and pleasant personality and money. She's got to have money. And a nice big house wouldn't hurt either."

George: "A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU!"

John: "Oh, it's okay, if she is crazy."

Which One Are You?

The world is divided into haves and have-nots: those who have a sense of humor and those who do not.

Top 10 Things Overheard On The Ark

10. "Did anyone think about bringing a couple of umbrellas?"

9. "Hey, there are more than two flies in here!"

8. "Wasn't someone supposed to put two shovels on board?"

7. "Okay, who's the wise guy who brought the mosquitoes on board?!"

6. "Help! I need some Pepto for the elephants, QUICK!"

5. "Don't make me pull this ark over and come back there!"

4. "No Ham, you cannot eat the pig!"

3. "And whatever you do, DO NOT pull this plug out."

2. "Nice doggie..."

1. "Are we there yet?"   

Baba's Shaving Cream

A marketing guy who was interviewing people on the street had button-holed a guy and was asking him a series of questions which went like this...

Which shaving cream do you use?

The gent answered, Baba's, and the guy proceeded to answer each of the interviewer's following questions with the same answer, Baba's...

Which aftershave do you use?

Which deodorant do you use?

Which toothpaste do you use?

Which shampoo do you use?

Which soap do you use?

Finally, a bit frustrated, the interviewer asked,

"Ok, tell me, What is this 'Baba'? Is it an international or foreign company?"

The guy replies. . . .

"No, he's my room-mate!"

Strongest Man

The local bar was so sure that its owner was the strongest man around that it offered a standing $1,000 bet that no could beat him.  The challenge was that the owner would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.  Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters and all had failed. Then one day this frail little fella with heavy rimmed spectacles came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.  After the laughter had subsided the owner said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar.  Everyone looked on in amazement as the owner handed over the prize and asked, "What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?"  "No" the man replied, "I work for the IRS."

Today’s Thought

I wanted to live the simple life, but figuring it out proved too complex.