Friday's Funnies

Produce

The supermarket near our house has an automatic mister to keep the produce fresh.  Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm.  When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing.   When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle.  At this point I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.

Q & A

Q: What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?

A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

Move the Car

My husband, Cal, grew increasingly displeased as our teenage daughter and her boyfriend studied in her room late one evening. Finally losing patience shortly after midnight, he knocked sharply on her door. Her boyfriend immediately opened it and asked if something was wrong.  "I have to ask you to move your car," Cal told him.  "Oh, sure. Is it in someone's way?"  "No," Cal replied, "it's at the wrong address."

Password

Me: What's the wifi password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.

Bartender: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Bartender: $3.

Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password?

Bartender: "You need to buy a drink first". No spaces, all lowercase

Retirement

A Wife's definition of retirement: Twice as much husband on half as much pay.

Retiree’s Quiz

 How many days in a week?

 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

 When is a retiree's bedtime?

 Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

 How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?

 Only one, but it might take all day.

 What's the biggest gripe of retirees?

 There is not enough time to get everything done.

 Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?

 The term comes with a 15% discount.

 Among retirees what is considered formal attire?

 Tied shoes.

 Why do retirees count pennies?

 They are the only ones who have the time.

 What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?

 NUTS!

 Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?

 They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

 What do retirees call a long lunch?

 Normal.

 What is the best way to describe retirement?

 Answers: The never-ending Coffee Break.

 What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?

 If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

 Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?

 He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

Senior Thought

Not to brag, but I went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there.  It was the bathroom, but still...

Racism Today?

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days... ever wonder why? A customer walks into an establishment and asks, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?" The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"  The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"  The clerk says, "Well, no, I probably wouldn't!"  With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"  The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

Today’s Thought

Me fail English? That unpossible!