Friday's Funnies

Ancestry

The following was overheard at a recent "high society" party.  "My ancestry goes back all the way to Alexander the Great," said Christine.  She then turned to Miriam and asked, "How far back does your family go?"  "I don't know," replied Miriam, "All of our records were lost in the flood."

Signs Of Life

- English sign in German cafe: "Mothers, Please Wash Your Hans Before Eating"

- On a scientist's door: "Gone Fission"

- Outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people"

- On a music teacher's door: "Out Chopin"

- On the door of a music library: "Bach in a minuet"

- At a farmer's field: "The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges"

- In a podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels"

- On a front door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog"

- Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action"

- On maternity room door: "Push, Push, Push"

- Sign on fence: "Salesmen welcome - dog food is expensive"

- Muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

- Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

- Optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place"

Doctor

I went to the doctor the other day.  She told me that I needed to get some exercise. So I went to McDonald's.  My wife wanted to know why I went there.  I told her the doctor told me to get some extra fries.  She made me an appointment with a hearing doctor.

The Zoo?

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days.  Finally, his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.  Little Johnny thought to himself that there was quite a large number of horses at this zoo.  He wondered where all the other animals were, but was still happy to see the horses.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.

"Great," Little Johnny replied.

"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.

"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"

Bible Jokes

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?

A. Ruth-less.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?

A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?

A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?

A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?

A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?

A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?

A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?

A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?

A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible?

A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?

A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Expiration Date

If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

Thoughts To Ponder

·        They make bullet proof vests, why not bullet-proof pants?

·        Is there any difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny?

·        How does one know when their bagpipes need tuning?

·        Allstate Insurance has a disclaimer that reads: not available in all states. What?

·        Is it really possible to change the direction of a bowling ball by waving your hands?

·        There's senior citizens, so why aren't there junior citizens?

·        They say laughter is the best medicine - so who came up with the phrase, "I died laughing"?

Today’s Though

100 years ago, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.