Friday's Funny

Seniors and Exercise

Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking.

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch. 

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. 

So if you find as you age that you are getting up and down more, remember it's God's will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

Bible Trivia

Who was the most successful physician in the Bible? 

Job. He had the most patience. 

Who was the best financier in the Bible?

Noah. He floated his stock while the whole world was in liquidation.

Who is the straightest man in the Bible?

Joseph. Pharaoh made a ruler out of him.

The Old Junker

His beloved old white convertible was in deplorable shape, but he refused to get rid of it. So when the old junker was stolen from his office parking lot, his family was delighted. Nonetheless, they called the police and filed an insurance claim.  Their relief was short-lived, within an hour an officer was on the phone. "We found the car less than a mile away," he said, trying to restrain himself. "It had a note on it that read, 'Thanks anyway, we'd rather walk.'"

Punny: Brake Fluid

A mechanic was working under a car and some brake fluid dripped into his mouth.  "Wow! That stuff isn't too bad tasting," he thought.  The next day, he told his buddy about tasting the brake fluid. "It was pretty good, really. I think I'll have a little more today."  His friend was a little concerned, but didn't say anything.  The next day, "Hey, I drank a whole glass of brake fluid. Great stuff! I'm going to have more."  A few days later, he was up to a bottle a day.  "You know," said his buddy, "that brake fluid is poison and really bad for you. You better cut out drinking that stuff."  "Hey, no problem. I can stop any time!"

Paraprosdokian - a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence...

 If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I'm great at multi-tasking -- I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once .  

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

Take my advice — I'm not using it.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.

Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?

Money is the root of all wealth.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

Today’s Thought

I was going to join the debating team, but somebody talked me out of it.