Friday's Funnies

Flying Companions

At the airport check-in counter, a man overheard a woman ask for window seats for both herself and her husband. The clerk pointed out that this would prevent them from sitting together. "Sweetie," the woman replied, "I've just spent 10 days of quality time in a compact rental car with this man. I know what I'm requesting!"

The Glass Perspective 2

A friend of mine was a philosophy major during his first semester in college. One day in a seminar class, they spent a great deal of time debating whether the glass was half full or half empty. After the class, my friend was feeling pretty good about himself and what he was learning at university, so when he went home, he tried to continue the discussion with his family.  With maximum drama, he took a 12 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured in 6 ounces of water. Then took it into the dining room and placed it in the middle of the table. He proudly asked his family, "Can anyone tell me whether this glass is half full or half empty." Without missing a beat, his grandmother replied, "Depends if you're drinking or pouring."

Competitiveness

My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are at things. But I laugh more.

Scavenger Hunt

Two mice scavenging in an old studio warehouse find some old celluloid film.

Mouse 1: This looks really old! I wonder what film it is?

Mouse 2: The can is right here ... Oh, it's "Gone with the Wind"!

Mouse 1: Well, maybe it's still good - let me take a bite...

Mouse 2: Well? How is it?

Mouse 1: Nothing much. The book was better.

4 Year Ceiling

A young woman, pursuing a graduate degree in art history, was going to Italy to study the country's greatest works of art. Since there was no one to look after her grandmother while she was away, she took the old lady with her. At the Sistine Chapel in the Vatican, she pointed to the painting on the ceiling.  "Grandma, it took Michelangelo a full four years to get that ceiling painted."  "Oh my, "the grandmother says. "He and I must have the same landlord."

Rebellion

A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, "I'm running away from home!"  The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. "What if you get hungry?" he asked.  "Then I'll come home and eat!" bravely declared the child.  "And what if you run out of money?"  "I will come home and get some!" readily replied the child.  The man then made a final attempt, "What if your clothes get dirty?"  "Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them," was the reply.  The man shook his head and exclaimed, "This kid is not running away from home; he's going off to college."

The Password

A "not-so-bright" chose the following as a computer password: MickeyMinnieDonaldDaisyGoofyHueyLouieWashington. When asked why she had chosen such a long password, she explained: "I was told that I should have seven characters and one capital."

What Is Fate

A young pupil asked, "Master, what is fate."  "Ah, my son, it is what has brought great nations together. It has made the world a smaller place in which to live. It has inspired men of worth to work endless hours. It will someday enable men to span the universe and light years of travel will soon become mere seconds in time."  "And that, my master, is fate?"  "Oh, fate! I thought you said freight."

Boys

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.  "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.  "Tommy," replied the second.  "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.  Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."  "Honest?" asked Billy.  "No, just the regular kind," replied Tommy.

Sweet Grandmother

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"  The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"  The grandmother, in her weak, tremulous voice, said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."  The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."  After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."  The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."  The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"  The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me anything!"

The Price

At a fabric store, a pretty girl spotted nice material for a dress and asks the male clerk, "How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the clerk with a smirk. "That's fine," said the girl, "I'll take ten yards." In expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up and teasingly held it out. The girl took the bag and pointed to the old man standing beside her and said, "Grandpa will pay the bill!"

Today’s Thought

Ban sliced cheese. Make America grate again.