Friday's Funnies

Perception

This morning I was sitting on a park bench next to a homeless man. I started a conversation by asking him how he ended up this way.  He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed. I had a roof over my head. I had TV and internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on my MBA online.  I had no bills and no debt.  I even had full medical coverage."  I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened?  Drugs?  Alcohol?  Divorce?"  "Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "I just got out of prison."

CEO Speech

The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention, so he asked one of his employees, Jenkins, to write him a punchy 20-minute speech. When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious. "What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?" he demanded. "Half the audience walked out before I finished."  Jenkins was baffled. "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for."

Bible Trivia

•  Who was the most successful physician in the Bible? Job. He had the most patience.

•  Who was the best financier in the Bible? Noah. He floated his stock while the whole world was in liquidation.

•  Who is the straightest man in the Bible? Joseph. Pharaoh made a ruler out of him.

The Right Combination

The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it. Finally she went to the pastor's study and asked for help. The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment. Finally he looked serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently. Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock. The teacher was amazed. "I'm in awe at your faith, pastor," she said. "It's really nothing," he answered. "The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling."

Short Ones

•  In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will adore him and a cat that will ignore him.

•  I know a guy who called the Home Shopping Network. They said, "Can I help you?" and he said, "No, I'm just looking."

•  I was going to join the debating team, but somebody talked me out of it.

Little Johnny

At Sunday school the teacher was teaching how God created everything, including human beings.   Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he was ill, and she said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"  Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

Signs - Here and There

The following are actual signs seen across the good ol' U.S.A.:

At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.

In a New York restaurant: Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.

On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: 38 years on the same spot.

In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed.

In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home.

In a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention Center

On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.

On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.

At a number of military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel.

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.

In a funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan.

In a clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.

On a shopping mall marquee: Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced

Outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.

In a Maine restaurant: Open 7 days a week and weekends.

In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.

On a Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.

Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash: If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car.

Today’s Thought

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