Smile for the DMV
When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local
motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until
the man ahead of me finally got his license.
He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I
was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this
picture." The clerk looked at his
picture closely. "It's okay," he reassured the man: "That's how
you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."
It's Been Said...
"Shopping with your husband is like hunting with the
game warden."
Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Peace
At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had
anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom, it was their time
to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace. The moment of utter silence was broken by a
young beautiful woman carrying a child. She started walking toward the pastor
slowly. Everything quickly turned to
chaos. The bride slapped the groom. The groom's mother fainted. The groomsmen started giving each other looks
and wondering how best to help save the situation. The pastor asked the woman, "Can you tell
us why you came forward? What do you have to say?" The woman replied, "We can't hear in the
back."
Signs That You Attend a Small Church
• You
cancel church when the pastor goes on vacation because his family is half the
congregation.
• You
meet in the pastor's two-car garage while the sanctuary is being remodeled.
• The
church bus is a minivan that carries seven passengers.
• The
pastor comes to Wednesday night services in his uniform directly from his
"other" job.
• The
youth group ages goes to 30.
• The
senior adult age starts at 31.
• Children's
church is canceled when the family with the most kids goes on vacation.
• The
pastor also serves as an usher, pianist and song leader.
Speaking In Tongues
Seen on a blog:
"So, this morning, Sue and I get off the plane in Newark, New Jersey,
and I need to find a restroom. As I was walking out of the baggage claim, I
stopped a United Airlines worker and said, "We ain't nare been up here. We
are frum Gas-TONY-a, Nirth Caroliner. Where is the clostest restroom?" The
airlines worker flagged down another female worker, and as she approached, she
stuck out her hand and said, "My name is Louisa and I'll be your
interpretah while you is here at the airport."
Service Fee
Two brawny men came to install some new floor covering in
the kitchen. Once they had moved the stove and refrigerator out of the way, it
was not long before the job was done. As
they were getting ready to leave, they were asked to put the heavy appliances
back in place. The two men said that would cost an additional $145 service fee,
stating it was not in their contract. The homeowner really had no choice but to
pay them. As soon as they left, however,
the doorbell rang. It was the two men. They asked the homeowner to move a car
that was blocking their van. The
homeowner told them there would be a fee for that: $145.
Umm...
On my birthday I got a really funny card. It joked about
how our bodies might be getting older, but our minds remain "tarp as
shacks." I wanted to thank the person who sent it, but I can't. They
forgot to sign the card.
Church Signs
• Honk
if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you want to meet Him today.
• Keep
using My name in vain and I'll make rush hour longer.
• Why
pay for GPS? Jesus gives directions for free.
• Be an
organ donor. Give your heart to Jesus today.
Lawyer
John grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend
college and law school. He decided to come back to his hometown because he
could be a big man there. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned
and opened his new law office. The first
day he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on
this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, John picked up
the phone. He motioned the man in, while talking: "No. Absolutely not. You
tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one
million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be
handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide
support. Okay. Tell the State Prosecutor that I'll meet with him next week to
discuss the details." This sort of
thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as
John rattled instructions. Finally, John put down the phone and turned to the
man, "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can
I do for you?" The man replied,
"I was sent by the telephone company to connect your phone line."
In a Rut
I feel like I'm in a rut. Every time I go to bed at
night, I find myself just getting up again in the morning.
The English Professor
An English professor was reading Canterbury Tales to his class
and noticed that one of his students had fallen asleep. The professor was
annoyed enough to send the book spinning through the air and bounce it off the
sleeper's skull. Startled awake, the student asked what had hit him. "That," said the professor,
"was a flying Chaucer."
Today’s Though
I called the Psychic Friends Network. They said,
"Who's calling?" FAIL.
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