Friday's Funnies

At The Drive-Thru

I drove through at the bank the other day. When I got to the window the lady said, "Sorry ‘bout your wait." I said, "Me, too, but I just can't find a diet that works for me."

Safety at Work

Safety is a major concern at the manufacturing company where I work. So I'm constantly preaching caution to the workers I supervise.  "Does anyone know," I asked a few guys, "what the speed limit is in our parking lot?"  The long silence that followed was interrupted when one of them piped up. "That depends. Do you mean coming to work or leaving?"

Urgent Newspaper Corrections

·        IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code" should have read "pull rip cord."

·        From a California bar association's newsletter: Correction -- the following typo appeared in our last bulletin: "Lunch will be gin at 12:15 p.m." Please orrect to read "12 noon."

·        In Frank Washburn's March column, Rebecca Varney was erroneously identified as a bookmaker. She is a typesetter.

·        There are two important corrections to the information in the update on our Deep Relaxation professional development program. First, the program will include meditation, not medication. Second, it is experiential, not experimental.

·        In the City Beat section of Friday's paper, firefighter Dwight Brady was misidentified. His nickname in the department is "Dewey." Another firefighter is nicknamed "Weirdo." We apologize for our mistake.

·        Our newspaper carried the notice last week that Mr. Oscar Hoffnagle is a defective on the police force. This was a typographical error. Mr. Hoffnagle is, of course, a detective on the police farce.

·        Yesterday we mistakenly reported that a talk was given by a bottle-scared hero. We apologize for the error. We obviously meant that the talk was given by a battle-scarred hero.

·        Apology: I originally wrote, "Woodrow Wilson's wife grazed sheep on front lawn of the White House." I'm sorry that typesetting inadvertently left out the word "sheep."

·        In one edition of today's Food Section, an inaccurate number of jalapeno peppers was given for Jeanette Crowley's Southwestern chicken salad recipe. The recipe should call for two, not 21, jalapeno peppers.

·        The marriage of Miss Freda vanAmburg and Willie Branton, which was announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was a mistake which we wish to correct.

Eye Test

When his eyes began to give him trouble, a man went to an ophthalmologist in Prague.  The doctor showed the patient the eye chart, displaying the letters CVKPNWXSCZ.  "Can you read that?" the doctor asked.  "Can I read it?" the Czech replied. "I dated his sister!"

Punctuation

An English professor wrote the words "A woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "A woman: Without her, man is nothing."

Punctuation is everything!

Toy Disclaimers

-        Warning: This fad will disappear in 6 weeks.

-        Caution: Care Bears do not actually care very much.

-        Warning: This toy produces substantially less childish glee in real life than it does in the TV commercial.

-        No beanies or babies harmed in the manufacture of this product.

-        Some dismemberment may occur.

-        In case of breakage, scream until Dad buys a replacement.

-        Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously.

-        Use as an actual terrorist device not recommended.

-        Do not attempt to combine your Ultra Mega Warrior with your cat to make Ultra Mega Cat Warrior.

-        Some assimilation required. Resistance is futile.

Airhead

So there's this Airhead who thinks ...

... you can't use an AM radio at night.

... a quarterback is a refund.

... General Motors is in the army.

... Boyz II Men is a day care center.

... Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

... Meow Mix is a CD for cats.

Weight for Help

Somewhat skeptical of his son's newfound determination to become Charles Atlas, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to the weight-lifting department, admiring a set of weights.  "Please, Dad," pleaded the boy, "I promise I'll use 'em every day."  "I don't know, Michael. It's really a commitment on your part," the father pointed out.  "Please, Dad?" the boy continued.  "They're not cheap either," the father came back.  "I'll use 'em Dad, I promise. You'll see."  Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and headed for the door.  From the corner of the store he heard his son yelp, "What! You mean I have to carry them to the car?"

Today’s Thought

I started reading a book about anti-gravity and now I can’t put it down.