Friday's Funnies

The Next Survivor Series

Six married men will be dropped on an island with 1 car and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks. Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes. There is no access to fast food.  Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc. The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done. There is only one TV between them and there is no remote.  The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves, either while driving or while making four lunches. They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m.; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4-year-old to eat a serving of peas.  The kids vote them off the island, based on performance.  The last man wins only if he has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.  If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over again for the next 18-25 years...eventually earning the right to be called "Mother."

Top Ten Complaints From Biblical Mothers or Wives

10.  Eve to Adam: "You never take me anywhere different to eat!"

 

9.  Sarah to Abraham: "Maybe if you stopped treating me like your sister, we could start a family!" (Gen 12:19)

 

8.  Elizabeth to John the Baptist: "I cook you a nice meal and all you want is locust, locust, locust!"

 

7.  Pharaoh's Daughter to Moses: "Stop parting the bath water, Moses, and wash behind those ears!"

 

6.  David's mom to Jesse, her husband: "Do you really think it was a good idea to get David that sling? He's going to put someone's eye out with that thing!"

 

5.  Manoah's wife to her son Samson: "Can't you clean the sink after you shampoo? I'm sick of all these long hairs!"

 

4.  Elizabeth to Mary: "I love talking to you, Mary, really I do, but can you speak a little softer? This kid just won't stop doing the rhumba in my tummy!" (Luke 1:44)

 

3.  Mary to Joseph: "I TOLD you to make reservations!"

 

2.  Herodias to her daughter: "I told Herod that if he didn't do something about this John nut, I would make sure the problem came to a head!"

 

And the number one complaint made by a biblical mother or wife is:

 

1.  Pilate's wife to Pilate after the resurrection: "You never listen to me, do you? How do you feel now Mr. Wash-Your-Hands-In-Public?!" (Mat 27:19)

You’re A Mom If....

·        You stand up to take pictures at your son's school play even after they've asked people not to.

·        You insist your child wear a sweater when YOU'RE cold.

·        You tell your daughter how much prettier she looks with her hair out of her eyes.

·        You hear yourself say [things like], "Your face will freeze like that," and "If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?"

·        There's a used Kleenex stuffed up your shirtsleeve.

·        The first thing you ask when someone walks into your home is, "Do you want something to eat?"

·        You spend your vacation wondering if you left the iron turned on.

·        Your daughter says smugly that she'll never be anything like you.

What Mother Taught Me

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12 My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Today’s Thought

A mother can touch a whole generation just by loving her own child well.