Friday's Funnies

Signs You're Getting Too Old To Drive

-        You think an SUV might be too small to be safe.

-        It takes more than four minutes to get out of your car.

-        When backing into a parking spot, you just back up until you hear something.

-        It scares you to drive the speed limit.

-        The only thing you pass on the road anymore is the Amish.

-        You use cruise control because your leg fell asleep.

-        You use cruise control at 25 mph.

-        You inquired if the dealership could install magnifying glass for the windshield.

-        Your turn signal has been on since 2003.

-        Your bumper sticker endorses Eisenhower.

Fractions

Our school's math teacher was giving a lesson on fractions and wrote an example on the chalkboard. He explained that the numerator was the top and the denominator the bottom. Leaning against the board, he asked the class, "Are there any questions?"  When he turned back to face the board, laughter filled the room. "Mr. Alexander," one student giggled, "you have chalk dust all over your denominator!"

 Ponderisms

1.  Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water?
Try  spelling Evian backwards : NAIVE
     
2.   If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea does that mean that one enjoys it?
   
3.   If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

4.   Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
       
5.   Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
   
6.  Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
   
7.   Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?  

8.   I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole  lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ... they're  cramming for their final  exam.

9.  I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use?   Toothpicks?

10.    You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
   
11.   Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

12.   Whatever happened to Preparations A through  G?

Bar joke

A sailor in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a Marine joke?"  The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs, and I'm a Marine. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, weighs 225, and he's a Marine. The fella next to him is 6'5" tall, weighs 250, and he's also a Marine. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?''  The sailor says, "Nah, I don't want to have to explain it three times."

African Safari

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful, aged poodle named Cuddles along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in trouble now!"   Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"  Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"  Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.  The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"  The old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

CEO

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.  On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business!  The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"  A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300 a week. Why?"  The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."   Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"  From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

Today’s Though

If a grizzly bear had no teeth, would you call it a gummy bear?