Friday's Funnies

Time

Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I cannot look that old?" Well, I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name.  Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?  Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way, way too old to have been my classmate...or could he?  After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.   "Yes. Yes. I did...I'm a Morgan Mustang," he gleamed with pride.  "When did you graduate?" I asked.  He answered, "In 1959. Why do you ask?"  "You were in my class!" I exclaimed.  He looked at me closely...and that ugly, old, wrinkled jerk asked, "What did you teach?"

Grades

Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he confided in his teacher: "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking."

The Last Word

There was a feud between the Pastor and the Choir Director of The Hicksville Southern Baptist Church.  It seems the first hint of trouble came when the Pastor preached on "dedicating yourselves to service" and the Choir Director chose to sing: "I Shall Not Be Moved."  Trying to believe it was a coincidence, the Pastor put the incident behind him.  The next Sunday he preached on "giving." Afterwards, the choir squirmed as the Director led them in the hymn: "Jesus Paid It All."  By this time, the Pastor was losing his temper. Sunday morning attendance swelled as the tension between the two built. A large crowd showed up the next week to hear his sermon on "the sin of gossiping."  Would you believe the Choir Director selected: "I Love To Tell The Story."  There was no turning back. The following Sunday the Pastor told the congregation that unless something changed he was considering resignation. The entire church gasped when the Choir Director led them in: "Why Not Tonight."  Truthfully, no one was surprised when the Pastor resigned a week later; explaining that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was leading him away.  The Choir Director could not resist: "What A Friend We Have In Jesus."

Cross-country Trip

Four guys are driving cross-country together -- one from Idaho, one from Iowa, one from Florida, and the last one is from New York.  After a while the man from Idaho starts pulling potatoes from his bag and throwing them out the window.  The man from Iowa asks, "What in the world are you doing?"  The man from Idaho says, "Man, we have so many of these things in Idaho -- I'm sick of looking at them!"  A few more miles, and the man from Iowa begins pulling ears of corn from his bag and throwing them out the window. The man from Florida asks, "What are you doing?"  The man from Iowa replies, "Man, we have so many of these things in Iowa -- I'm sick of looking at them!"  Inspired by the others, the man from Florida opens the car door and pushes the New Yorker out.

Q&A

Q: What do you call a snobbish inmate going down the prison stairs?

A: A condescending con descending.

Three Wishes 

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went in to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."   The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten."  The woman said, "That's okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to. "The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM! she's the most beautiful woman in the world.  For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."  The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM! she's the richest woman in the world.  The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

ADDITIONAL:

But wait! There's more...

The man actually had a heart attack ten times MILDER than his wife. Duh.

Games Old People Play

1. Sag, you're It.

2. Hide and go wee.

3. Twenty questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket

5. Musical recliners.

6. Simon says something incoherent.

7. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

The Porch Painter

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.  "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch. How much will you charge me?"  Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"  The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.  The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"  "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.  The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."  A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.  "You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.  "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."  Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.  "Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Mercedes."

Today’s Thought

Want to hear a word I just made up? Plagiarism.