Friday's Funnies

Creation

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.  Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"  Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

Oops

One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, “When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. You don't love me anymore.”  “Nonsense, darling,” replied the husband, “you just cook better now.”

Towels

When Sam returned to the house one evening, his wife Sarah announced that the new cleaning woman they had hired had stolen two towels.  "Yeah," said Sam very disinterested, and reclining on the sofa, "that wasn't very nice of her to do."  "You're darn right it wasn't," Sarah said. "And they were the two best towels we had .... you know the ones we got from the Hilton Hotel while we were on vacation!"

Church

A small town had three churches -- and all three were virtually overrun with pesky squirrels.  The first church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that God must have wanted the squirrels there, and the church shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.  The second church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creations, so they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.  The third church came up with the best and most effective solution: they baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Job Application

I was applying for a job and the employment application clearly stated: "Age of Father (if living)," and the same question for my Mother.  I put down the figures 105 and 94 in the spaces provided. The interviewer asked if my parents were truly that old.  I replied, "No, but they would be if they were still living."

Vet Bills

While waiting at the veterinarian's office, I overheard two women chatting about their dogs.  "What's your dog's name?" asked the first woman.  "Well, we used to call her Pork Chop," answered the second lady. "But after the vet bills we've had for her, we now call her Filet Mignon."

Animals

As the animals left Noah’s ark, Mrs. Noah looked up at the dirty, beat-up, smelly boat and sighed, “It looks like such a wreck. Are we just going to leave it on the mountaintop?”   “Don’t worry about it,” Noah said confidently, “I left the termites on board.”

Things You Would Never Know Without The Movie Industry

~ Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people--whether they're employed or not.

~ Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

~ It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts--your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

~ When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

~ Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

~ All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

~ It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

~ The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

~ The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

~ A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

~ It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

~ Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

~ All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

~ If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

~ When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

Today’s Thought

A pun is the lowest form of humor -- unless you thought of it yourself.