Friday's Funnies

Facebook

I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles. Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell a passersby what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later, and with whom. I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.  I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them.  And it works just like Facebook!  I already have four people following me: two police officers, a private investigator, and a psychiatrist.

Keeping Grandpa

At my grandparent's 50th wedding anniversary, I was looking through a photo album of their marriage ceremony. "Grandma, so many of these styles have come back over the years," I commented.  Grandma never hesitated. "That's why I've kept Grandpa all this time," she said. "I know he'll be back in style again one of these days."

Running Away From Home

A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, "I'm running away from home!"  The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. "What if you get hungry?" he asked.  "Then I'll come home and eat!," bravely declared the child.  "And what if you run out of money?"  "I will come home and get some!" readily replied the child.  The man then made a final attempt, "What if your clothes get dirty?"  "Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them," was the reply.  The man shook his head and exclaimed, "This kid is not running away from home; he's going off to college."

Waiting for the Bus

A person was visiting Washington, DC, for the first time. Unable to locate the Capitol, the person asked a police officer for directions, "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"  The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there."  Three hours later, the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the person was still waiting at the same bus stop.  The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus, and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?"  The person replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"

Woof

A dog went to a Western Union office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."  The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."  The dog replied, "But that would make no sense at all!"

Airheads

Two airheads in California are sitting outside on a cool, clear evening, looking at the moon and talking.  One asks: "Which do you think is farther away ... Florida or the moon?"  The other replies (with eye-roll): "Hellooooooooooo!  Can you see Florida from here??"

Prayers

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house.  Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.   "Johnny!  Please wait until we say our prayer," said his mother.   "I don't need to," the boy replied.    "Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."    "That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."                     

Best Excuses If You Get Caught Sleeping In Your Cubicle

~ It's okay...I'm still billing the client.

~ They told me at the blood bank this might happen.

~ This is just a 15-minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.

~ I was working smarter, not harder.

~ Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper.

~ I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!

~ This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!

~ I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.

~ I'm in the management-training program.

~ This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!

~ Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to that problem you told me about yesterday.

~ The coffee machine is broke....

~ Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot.

~ Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!

~ I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without hands.

Today’s Thought

An optimist thinks this is the best of all worlds. A pessimist fears this may be true.