Friday's Funnies

Reasons Why My Children Do Not Need More Toys

~ They started off as babies who found my Tupperware drawer much more fascinating than their toy box.

~ The days I change the paper towel roll in the kitchen bring great excitement as they claim their new sword or telescope.

~ Their current toys are only exciting when I either reorganize them, put them neatly away or when I start my garage sale pile.

~ Who needs toys when jumping on my bed like the five little monkeys brings tears of laughter?

~ They are content to look at the clouds and find shapes - most recently my son claimed he saw Thomas the Engine. Really, just shouted it out while in the car.

~ To make one of them want to play with a toy, all I have to do is give it to the other one. Suddenly, that item becomes the best thing in the whole entire world.

~ The days I mop the kitchen floor and move the chairs into the living room are cause for adventure as they build tents and "dark, dark rooms."

~ A flashlight brings amusement to all for hours.

~ The other day they literally fought over who got to play with the fly swatter. I really wish I was kidding.

Lion Tracks

"Look, guide, here are some LION tracks."  "Good. You see where they go and I'll find out where they came from."

Parked Cars in the Snow

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing."  Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars please return to class."

In the Bible

• I said I was going to sing a song called Subtraction. The Pastor replied, "Take it away,"
• Where is the first food fight in the Bible? Zechariah 5:1 — "I looked and behold a flying roll!"
• Do you know the phone number of the Garden of Eden?  Adam 8-1-2.
• Did you know that Paul was the first surfer In The Bible?  Remember in Acts when he came ashore on a board?

Got The Part!

A little boy, excited about his part in the Christmas play at school, came home and shouted, "I got a part in the Christmas play! I got a part in the Christmas play!" "What part did you get?" asked his mother excitedly. "I'm one of the three wise guys!"

DAFFYNITIONS

Aardvark: Aan aanimal thaat resembles the aanteater

Bat: An air-minded mouse

Cell Phone: How Amoebas communicate

Diploma: Da man dat fixes your pipes

Europe: Next one to bat

Fork: Eating utensil made obsolete by the discovery of fingers

Graveyard Shift: What takes place when an earthquake hits a cemetery

Highbrow: A person educated beyond his intelligence

Install: Where you keep your horse

Joan of Arc: Noah’s wife

Letter: A form of composition opening with an excuse for not opening sooner and closing with an excuse for not closing later

Mammoth: Giant flying bug thing

Nostalgia Buff: One who finds the past perfect and present tense

Optometrist: A person you have to see

Perfect Gentleman: A man of high principle and no interest

Quadruplets: Four crying out loud

Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don’t own, to make a dish the dog won’t eat

Sermon: A moralogue

Thoroughbred: A carefully prepared loaf

Viper: What you use to clean ze vindows

Walkie Talkie: What you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede

X-Ray: A ray that enables a person to see through anything except treachery

Year: The exact length of time that will pass from the day you get married to the day you forget your first anniversary

Zillion: The number of times you ask someone to take out the trash, before ending up doing it yourself

Today’s Thought

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the game.