Friday's Funnies

The Most Important Discoveries

 

Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.

Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.

Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.

Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.

Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, man has never recovered.

Treadmill

 

My friend hates to exercise, which means the treadmill in her bedroom barely gets used. Nevertheless, she swears by it.  "It really works," she told me. "I throw my jeans over it and they get smaller."

 

Appointment Calendar Warning

"Caution: Future dates are much closer than they appear."

 

Food For Thought

A man identifying himself as a Christian wrote a letter to the editor of the newspaper and complained that it made no sense to go to church every Sunday. "I've gone for 30 years now," he wrote, "and in that time I have heard something like 3,000 sermons. But for the life of me I can't remember a single one of them. So I think I'm wasting my time ... and the pastors are wasting theirs by giving sermons at all." This started a real controversy in the "Letters to the Editor" column, much to the delight of the editor. It went on for weeks until someone wrote this clincher: "I've been married for 30 years now. In that time my wife has cooked some 32,000 meals. But for the life of me, I cannot recall what the menu was for a single one of those meals. I do know this: they all nourished me and gave me strength. If my wife had not given me those meals, I would be dead today." That pretty much ended the discussion.

Nevermind

If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat canned pork because of swine flu, ignore it. It's just Spam.

What You Don’t Know Until You Have Kids

 

~ How many seconds it takes to microwave four fish slicks perfectly.

 

~ Who John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt is.

 

~ How to change a diaper in the dark, in a parked car, on a standing child, and all of the above simultaneously.

 

~ Which lines of "The Cat in the Hat" and "If I Ran the Circus" can be skipped over without a child noticing.

 

~ How bright a 3 a.m. full moon is.

 

~ The design marvels of hooded towels, Velcro-strap shoes, and mitten clips.

 

~ Locations of public restrooms all across town.

 

~ Why anyone would bother retracing their steps for miles just to retrieve a lost blankie.

 

~ The fine art of vacuuming a floor with out hosing up a Barbie shoe or a Playmobil cannonball.

 

~ How little sleep a human body truly needs to function.

 

~ Almost every Disney lyric ever penned.

 

~ How to spell amoxicillin, let alone say it.

 

~ That reverse psychology really works.

 

~ Why they call them Happy Meals.

 

~ The blessedness of naps.

 

~ How much you can love one human being.

 

Generation Gap

 

During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents, young Michael cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I'll never find it here at home, so I'm leaving. Don't try to stop me!"  With that, he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close behind.  "Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you to try to stop me."  "Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait a minute, I'll go with you."

Good point!

 

Whoever said there is no such thing as a stupid question has never worked in customer service.

 

Today’s Thought

 

Advice is like cooking - you should try it before you feed it to others.