Friday's Funnies

4^th of July

 

The Fourth of July was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. "We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free."  One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said, . . .  "I'm not  free. I'm four."

 

Top 12 Signs Your City Has Hired A Discount Fireworks Company

 

12. P.A. announcer keeps practicing the word "Incoming!!" over and over again

 

11. Company employees all have Frequent User punch cards from Red Cross

 

10. Their tech seen with "Light fuse, run away" reminder tattoos

 

9. They shoot bottle rockets out of used vuvuzelas

 

8. You see their reps at local drug store buying up all the burn cream

 

7. Advertised as world's first "Noise-less Fireworks Show!"

 

6. Old chimp in sailor uniform with a sparkler pretty much their salute to the troops

 

5. Local inmates seen assembling aerial rockets in the back

 

4. They have a guy making "boom!" noises in a mic

 

3. Their recycled Roman Candles shoot out car wash coupons

 

2. Aerial display nothing more than guy with confetti and big flashlight pointed at sky  

 

1. Local mortuary is primary sponsor

 

But The Sign Said...

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?" "No," her mother replied. "Well, I think I have to throw up!" "Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush." After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" Mom asked. "Yes." "How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?" "I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick.'

Country Music

Q: What do you get when you play country music backwards?

A: You get your dog back, you get your pickup back, you get your wife back.......

First Aid

A blonde lady had just completed a CPR course and was on the lookout for a chance to try it out. As she left a shopping center, she saw a man lying on the floor with a lot of people gathered around him. Screaming, "I know first aid!" she ran to the person, threw her bag down, loosened all his tight clothing, and got ready to start mouth-to-mouth. At this stage a huge policeman tapped her on the shoulder and said, "Do you mind? I am trying to arrest this man."

The Proposal

Kurt was going out with a nice girl and finally popped the question. "Will you marry me, darling?" he asked. Lisa smiled coyly and said, "Yes, if you'll buy me a mink." Kurt thought for a moment and then replied, "Okay, it's a deal, on one condition." "What is that?" Lisa asked. "You'll have to clean the cage," Kurt replied.

The Cue

My nine-year-old nephew, Phillip, was a ring bearer in my wedding. At the wedding rehearsal, the singer asked when she should begin singing. The pastor answered, "After the vows." She asked: "What are the vows? I'll need a cue." Phillip shook his head and explained: "The vowels are A-E-I-O-U. There is no Q!"

Actual Warnings on Product Labels  

• On a blanket from Taiwan: "Not to be used as protection from a tornado."
• On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists: "Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you."
• On a Taiwanese shampoo: "Use repeatedly for severe damage."
• On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavored milk drink: "After opening, keep upright."
• On a New Zealand insect spray: "This product not tested on animals."
• In a US guide to setting up a new computer: "To avoid condensation forming, allow the boxes to warm up to room temperature before opening." (Sensible, but the instruction was inside the box.)
• In some countries on the bottom of Coke bottles: "Open other end."
• On a Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping."
• On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
• On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions. Use like regular soap."
• On a Superman Halloween Costume: "Warning: This costume will not enable your child to fly."

Today’s Thought

I tried to exercise, but I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.