Friday's Funnies

Antsy

An inept golfer's ball flew into the rough and landed on an anthill. He tried and tried to hit the ball back onto the fairway but each time he missed and hit the anthill. Ants went flying all over the place. One ant turned to another and said, "If we are going to survive, we had better get on the ball."

 

Lullabye

 

A doting father used to sing his little children to sleep until he overheard the four-year-old tell the three-year-old, "If you pretend you're asleep, he stops."

 

Ten Things I Know About You

 

1 You are reading this

2 You are human

3 You can't say the letter 'P' without separating your lips

4 You just attempted to do it

6 You are laughing at yourself

7 You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5

8 You just checked to see if there is a No. 5

9 You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person and everyone does it too

10 You are probably going to share this just to see who else falls for it.

Sleeping pills

 

Howard dragged himself into his doctor's office one day looking very exhausted. "Doctor Kane," he said, "there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep!"  "I have good news for you, Howard," Doctor Kane said, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that were just approved. They work like a dream. Just a few of these and your troubles will be over."  "Great," said Howard, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot." Dr. Kane gave him the pills. Howard thanked him and left.  Two weeks later, Howard came back to Dr. Kane's office looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than ever!" Howard exclaimed.  "I don't understand how that could be," said Dr. Kane, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"  "That may be true," answered Howard wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one, it's really hard getting him to swallow the pill!"

 

Top 10 Wrong Ways To Initiate Your Son Into Manhood

 

10. Teach him the secret male ritual of leaving the toilet seat up and the toilet paper roll empty.

9. Have a ceremony where you give him his own remote control.

8. Lead him through an afternoon of rigorous physical training in the back yard while you sit in a lawn chair with a half-gallon of ice cream.

7. Eat until you're about to burst and then ride the Screamin' Hurler roller coaster.

6. Put cream on his face and let the cat shave him with its tongue.

5. Walk behind him through his school halls yelling, "You da man!"

4. Send him to the local discount store to buy mom's "personal things."

3. Give him Grandma's lime green Corolla with personalized license plates that say, "TUFFGUY."

2. Send the ladies shopping, then get out your secret Old Yeller video and have a good cry together.

1. Shot put catching.

 

Wrong Place At The Wrong Time

 

Two teenagers were on a tour of a modern art gallery. They suddenly found themselves alone in a room of modern sculpture and were staring at the twisted pipes, broken glass, and tangled shapes.  One of them exclaimed, "We had better get out of here before they accuse us of wrecking this place!"

 

Flu Square Dance

 

Choose your partners, one and all,
Aspirin, Advil, or Tylenol!

Now fling those covers with all you've got,
One minute cold, the next minute hot.

Circle right to the side of the bed,
Grab the tissues and Sudafed.

Back to the middle and don't goof off;
Hold your stomach and cough, cough, cough.

Forget about slippers, dash down the hall.
Toss your cookies in the shower stall.

Remember others on the brink;
Wash your hands; wash the sink.

Wipe the doorknob, the light switch too.
Now you've got it, you're doing the flu!

Some like it cold, some like it hot;
If you like neither, then get the shot.

Today’s Thought

 

When will all the rhetorical questions end?