Friday's Funnies

The Bus Trip

The little old lady seated herself right behind the bus driver. Every ten minutes or so she'd pipe up, "Have we reached Oriskany Falls yet, sonny?"  "No, lady, not yet. I'll let you know," he replied, time after time.  The hours passed, the old woman kept asking for Oriskany Falls, and finally the little town came into view. Sighing with relief, the driver slammed on the brakes, pulled over and called out, "This is where you get out, lady."  "Is this Oriskany Falls?"  "YES!" he bellowed. "Get out!"  "Oh, I'm going all the way to Albany, sonny," she explained sweetly. "It's just that my daughter told me that when we got this far, I should take my blood pressure pill."

Wedding

 

A five-year-old boy was in church with his parents, witnessing the wedding of a family friend.  "Mommy," he whispered, "why does the lady wear white?"  His mother smiled and whispered back, "Because she is very happy to be getting married."  The little boy thought for a moment, then replied, "So why does the man wear black?"

 

Office Arithmetic

 

Smart boss + smart employee = profit.
Smart boss + dumb employee = production.
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion.
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime.

Actual Quotes from Medical Records

 

• "By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better."
• "Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful."
• "The patient has no past history of suicides."
• "The patient expired on the floor uneventfully."
• "The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days."
• "She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December."
• "The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints."
• "The patient refused an autopsy."
   
  Birthday Surprise
  
  Little Johnny's mother was having difficulty gulping down the birthday cake he had made for her as a surprise. When she was finished, Little Johnny happily exclaimed, "I'm so glad you like it, Mommy. There should have been 32 candles on the cake, but they were all gone when I took it out of the oven."
  
  Whopper
  
  A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, the minister asked for a show of hands from those who read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
   
  Life Lessons
   
  Now that I'm older here's some of what I've discovered:
  1.            I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
  2.            I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
  3.            Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
  4.            If all is not lost, then where is it?
  5.            It was a whole lot easier to get older than to get wiser.
  6.            I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.
  7.            It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
  8.            Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
  9.            The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
  10.         If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
  11.         It's not hard to meet expenses — they're everywhere.
  12.         The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
  13.         These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter — I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after."
  14.         Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
   
  Milking It
   
  A lady went into the grocery and asked for fifty gallons of milk. The clerk, amazed, asked her what she was going to do with that much milk. "I have a skin problem and the doctor prescribed a milk bath." The clerk asked, "Pasteurized?" "Oh, no," she replied, "just up to my chin."
   
  Yes!
   
  Worship brings all kinds of responses, as I observed in church recently. An elderly woman was standing with eyes closed and hands raised in prayer and praise. The three-year-old standing in the pew in front of her turned around and gave her a high-five!
   
  Wake Up Call
   
  One night at an economy motel, I ordered a 6 a.m. wake-up call. The next morning, I awoke before 6, but the phone did not ring until 6:30.  "Good morning," a young man said sheepishly. "This is your wake-up call." Annoyed, I let the hotel worker have it. "You were supposed to call me at 6!," I complained. "What if I had a million-dollar deal to close this morning, and your oversight made me miss out on it?"  "Well, sir," the desk clerk quickly replied, "if you had a million-dollar deal to close, you wouldn't be staying in this motel!"
   
  The Arrest
   
  A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.'
   
  Today’s Thought
   
  Why are there five syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?