Friday's Funnies

Predicting The Future

 

Johnny: "Do you think people can predict the future with cards?"

 

Jimmy: "My mother sure can. She takes one look at my report card and tells me exactly what will happen when Dad gets home."

 

Kitchen Signs

1.     A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

2.     A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out The Trash And Gives The Impression He Just Cleaned The Whole House.

3.     A Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen. And This Kitchen Is Delirious.

4.     Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

5.     Countless Number Of People Have Eaten In This Kitchen and Gone On To Lead Normal Lives.

6.     Help Keep the Kitchen Clean — Eat Out.

7.     My next house will have no kitchen — just vending machines.

8.     Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Contacts

 

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says, "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."  The woman answers, "Well, I have contacts."  The policeman replies, "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

 

Top Dog Pet Peeves About Humans

1. Blaming your gas on me ... Not Funny.

2. Yelling at me for barking. I am a dog, you idiot.

3. Taking me for a walk and then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick balancing food on my nose. Stop it.

5. Getting upset when I sniff your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered the handshake thing yet.

6. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you are not home.

7. Dog sweaters.

8. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throws. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.

 

The Low Down Deed

Our manager at the restaurant where I worked was a friendly, jovial man, but there was one subject you didn't dare discuss in front of him — his height, or rather, his lack of it. He was very short and apparently sensitive about the subject. One day he stormed through the kitchen doors and announced angrily, "Someone just picked my pocket!" Everyone was speechless, except for one waitress who couldn't help herself as she blurted out, "How could anyone stoop so low?"

God Is...

When my youngest son was three years old, he sat in my lap at Church. (We had a guest speaker this particular Sunday.) The guest speaker was in the middle of a very loud sermon when he bent over the podium and started yelling "God is eternal," "God is eternal," while banging his fist for emphasis. My son looked very serious for a moment and then as young children do, he exclaimed very loudly, "Momma I didn't know God was a turtle." Needless to say, he had three rows of pews cracking up in the middle of the poor speaker's sermon.

 

Cool

 

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's father. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool."

The Sin

 

Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher.  When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the top of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER!"  When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "PREACH IT, REVEREND!"  And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER! TELL IT LIKE IT IS! AMEN!"  But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, "He's quit preaching and now he's meddlin'."

 

Good Grammar

 

Teacher: Billy, give me a sentence starting with "I".

Billy: I is ...

Teacher: No, Billy. Always say, "I am."

Billy: All right ... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

 

Today’s Thought

 

At what age do you go from being disrespectful to your elders, to being someone who thinks "the young people today show no respect"?