Bruises
Doctor: "Your shins have some nasty bruises.
Do you play hockey or soccer?"
Patient: "Nope. My wife and I play
bridge."
American Newspapers
Who Reads What Newspapers?
1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie chart format.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave LA to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and they did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy, as long as they are democrats.
10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.
11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie chart format.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave LA to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and they did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy, as long as they are democrats.
10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.
11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
Truth
"You seem to have more than the average share of
intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a
witness on the stand. "If I wasn't
under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
Panda Lunch
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a
sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the table. As the panda stands up to leave, the manager
shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my table and you didn't
pay for your sandwich!" The panda
yells back at the manager, "Hey, man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The manager opens his dictionary and sees the
following definition for panda: "A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian
origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and
leaves."
ANNOUNCING THESE NEW BOOK RELEASES: Part 2
~ "Body Parts" by Anna Tomickle
~ "US Elections" by Freda Vote
~ "Come on In!" by Doris Open
~ "The German Bank Robbery" by Hans Zupp
~ "I Hate the Sun" by Gladys Knight
~ "Irish First Aid" by R.U. O'Kaye
~ "My Career As a Clown" by Abe Ozo
~ "Take This Job and Shove It" by Ike Witt
~ "Rapunzel Rapunzel" by Harris Long
~ "Split Personalities" by Jacqueline Hyde
~ "How I Won the Marathon" by Randy Hoelway
~ "Lonely Days" by Anita Friend
~ "Together Forever" by Stan Bymee
Trouble
If Jesus were to do His same ministry on earth today, He
would be in trouble with:
- the FDA for turning water into wine without a license,
- the EPA for killing fig trees,
-the AMA for
practicing medicine without a license,
- the Dept. of Health for asking people to open graves,
for raising the dead and for feeding 5,000 people in the wilderness,
- the NEA for teaching without a certificate,
- OSHA for walking on water without a life-jacket and for
flying without an airplane,
- the SPCA for driving hogs into the sea, and
- the National Board of Psychiatrists for giving advice
on how to live a guilt-free life.
Draft Choice
A high school history teacher was discussing the funeral of Pope John Paul II with his class. One student asked how they chose the new pope. The teacher explained the process, finishing with, "So the cardinals pick him." A student in the back of class, asked, very seriously, "Why would they let a baseball team pick the next pope?"
A high school history teacher was discussing the funeral of Pope John Paul II with his class. One student asked how they chose the new pope. The teacher explained the process, finishing with, "So the cardinals pick him." A student in the back of class, asked, very seriously, "Why would they let a baseball team pick the next pope?"
Today’s Thought
All I want is a chance to prove that winning the lottery
won't solve all my problems.
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