Friday's Funnies

Funny One-Liners:

• Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.
• The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
• When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you're in a public restroom.
• Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.
• The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and some willing to let them.
• Money isn't everything. There's credit cards, money orders, and travelers checks.
• A true friend is one that lets his grass grow as tall as his neighbor's.

Music's Importance

I attend a small village church in rural PA. On any given Sunday, we may have six or seven faithful little ones who come with their parents for the whole church service. Pastor has a white bag which gets passed from child to child, making sure they get equal turns to put something in for him to talk about. Each Sunday, Pastor calls all the little children up to him and he opens the bag to find a "surprise" on which he bases his children's sermon. Last week, the bag went home with a little guy who spends many hours a week on church related activities. His parents and older brother are very active and so, in turn, is he. When Pastor opened the bag, there was a copy of Handel's Messiah which was very appropriate for Easter Sunday. Pastor and the children had a lively discussion going on about the joy and happiness that music brings to the service. As he closed the little talk, Pastor said, "Yes, music is a wonderful part of our service. What would church be like if there was none?" Without skipping a beat, the little boy who had brought the music said, "About a half an hour!" Needless to say, everyone exploded into laughter which lasted for minutes. Finally, Pastor said, "There is no way I can top that so let's have a little prayer before you return to your seats."

Elevating

I was on an elevator the other day, and the operator kept calling me "son."   I said, "Why do you keep calling me 'son'? You're not my father." He said, "I brought you up, didn't I?"

Doctor Funnies

"Doctor, Doctor! I feel like a pair of curtains!"  "Well, pull yourself together."
"Doctor, Doctor! My little boy has just swallowed a roll of film!"  "Hmmmm... Let's hope nothing develops."
"Doctor, Doctor! I feel like a deck of cards!"  "I'll deal with you in a minute."
"Doctor, Doctor! My son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?"  "Use a pencil 'till I get there."

The Wedding Question

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?'' The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.' The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'

Things Moms Probably Never Say

• "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
• "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"
• "Just leave all the lights on. It makes the house look more cheery"
• "Let me smell that shirt. Yeah, it's good for another week"
• "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"
• "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."
• "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I’m running a prison around here."
• "I don't have a tissue with me. Just use your sleeve."
• "Don't bother wearing a jacket. The wind chill is bound to improve"

Stingy

A very, very stingy man died and went to heaven.  He was met at the pearly gates by Peter, who led him down the streets of gold.  They passed mansion after mansion until they came to the end of the street and stopped in front of a tiny shack without gold paving in front. "And here is where you will be living, sir,"  Peter announced.  "ME live HERE?!,” the stingy man yelled. "How come?"  "Well," Peter replied, "We did the best we could with the money you sent in."

ANNOUNCING THESE NEW BOOK RELEASES:  Part 1

~ "How to Write Big Books" by Warren Peace

~ "The Art of Archery" by Beau Narrow

~ "Irish Heart Surgery" by Angie O'Plasty

~ "Desert Crossing" by Rhoda Camel

~ "School Truancy" by Marcus Absent

~ "I Lost My Balance" by Eileen Dover and Phil Down

~ "Positive Reinforcement" by Wade Ago

~ "Stop Arguing" by Xavier Breath

~ "Towels For Every Occasion" by Terry Kloth

~ "Keep 'em Laughing" by Benton Halph

~ "My Life at the Cemetery" by Doug Graves

~ "Snow on the Roof" by Dan Druph

~ "The Running of the Bulls" by Gordon Mald

~ "TV Wrestler" by Lee Ponya

~ "Karate for Ladies" by Marsha Lartz

 

Practicing

 

Joe's wife liked to sing so she decided to join the church choir. From time to time she would practice while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Whenever she would start in on a song, Joe would head outside to the porch.  His wife, with hurt feelings, said, "What's the matter, Joe? Don't you like my singing?"  Joe replied, "Honey, I love your singing, but I just want to make sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you."

 

Today’s Thought

A physician once said: "The best medicine for humans is love."  Someone asked, "What if it doesn't work?"  He smiled and said: "Increase the dose."