Friday's Funnies

Christmas one liners

 

Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks? 

 

What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has NO “L”.

 

Christmas carols in the psych ward

1. SCHIZOPHRENIA -- Do You Hear What We Hear?
2. AMNESIA -- I Don't Know If I'll Be Home for Christmas.
3. NARCISSIST -- Hark the Herald Angels Sing All About Me.
4. MANIC -- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants, and.....
5. MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER -- We Three Queens Disoriented Are.
6. PARANOID --- Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me.
7. BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER -- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.
8. FULL PERSONALITY DISORDER -- You Better Watch Out! I'm Gonna cry; I'm Gonna Pout! -- Maybe I'll Tell You Why.

9. OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER -- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells.....
10. AGORAPHOBIA -- I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day, but Wouldn't Leave My House.
11. SENILE DEMENTIA -- Walking in a Winter Wonderland--Miles from My House in My Slippers and Robe
12. OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANCE DISORDER -- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus, So I Burned Down the House.
13. SOCIAL ANXIETY DISORDER -- Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas, While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate
14. ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER -- We Wish You.. . . Hey Look!!! It's Snowing!!

 

Top Things Overheard on the Wise Men's Journey to Bethlehem

 

- "OK, we got gold. We got the frankincense. We got the myrrh. Think we should get something more practical, like diapers, maybe?"

 

- "I thought this was SUPPOSED to be a WEEKEND road trip.

Boy, is my wife ever gonna be ticked when I get home."

 

- "All this gazing at a star while riding a camel is making me woozy."

 

- "I still say it wouldn't hurt to drop by Balthazar's place for another visit on the way back. That was SOME buffet!"

 

- "16 hours a day on a camel. Are you sure this beats walking?"

 

- "Why should I always have to be in the rear? It's somebody else's turn to get sand in his face."

 

- "You guys have any idea how to treat saddle sores?"

 

- "Man, I'm starting to get a rush from this frankincense!"

 

- "You guys ever eat camel meat? I hear it tastes like chicken."

 

- "You know, I used to go to school with a girl name Beth Lehem."

 

- "What kind of name is Balthazar anyhow? Phoenician?"

 

- "Hey, do either of you know why 'MYRRH' is spelled with a 'Y' instead of a 'U'?"

 

- "Okay, who forgot to give his camel a bath before we left?"

 

Christmas Riddles

 

Q. If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?
A. Mistletoe!

Q. Where do polar bears vote?
A. The North Poll.

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite.

Q. What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
A. Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

Q. What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
A. Sandy Claus!

Q. What nationality is Santa Claus?
A. North Polish.

Q. What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh?
A. Santa caught in a revolving door!

Q. If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?
A. A subordinate claus.

Q. What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney?
A. Pour Santa flush on him.

Q. How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer, "Olive"?
A. Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names..."

Track Santa

 

Don’t forget to track Santa starting on Christmas Eve:  http://www.noradsanta.org/