TOP POLITICALLY CORRECT CHRISTMAS — EXCUSE
ME, HOLIDAY — SONGS
9. Chestnuts Roasting on an Environmentally-friendly Fuel
Source
8. Rudolph, the Endangered and Exploited Specie
7. We Three Politically Oppressive Patriarchs
6. Rocking Around the Recycled, Flame-retardant,
Artificial Holiday Tree
5. All I Want For Christmas is a Dental Plan
4. Frosty the Snowperson
3. I'm Dreaming of a Racially Diverse Christmas
2. I'll Be Home For Ramadan (or Chanukah or Kwanzaa or
Winter Solstice or . . .)
1. We Wish You a Non-sectarian Holiday
Sad But True
Back before Thanksgiving, the teacher asked the children
in her class about the upcoming holiday. She thought it might be effective to
inch toward its meaning by having them playfully correct some wrong statements.
"Now let me think," she began. "Thanksgiving. That's the day
when we think about all the stuff we have. And how we want more things than
anybody else has. And how we don't care about anybody but ourselves. And
..." "No!" the preschool kids were starting to chorus!
"No-o-o!" Then one little guy looked up and said, "That's not
Thanksgiving. That's Christmas!"
Fourths?
Our culture is so dependent on technology, we don't even know how to count change back or do simple math any more. I ordered a foot-long sandwich from a sub shop the other day, and I asked the man to cut it into fourths. "I'm sorry, I can't," he said. "I already cut it in half."
The Getaways
At the company water cooler, I bragged about my children's world travels: one son was teaching in Bolivia, another was working in southern Italy, and my daughter was completing a year-long research project in India. One co-worker's quip, however, stopped me short. "What is it about you," he asked, "that makes your kids want to get so far away?"
The Well-Wisher
A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides. When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better." One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."
Fourths?
Our culture is so dependent on technology, we don't even know how to count change back or do simple math any more. I ordered a foot-long sandwich from a sub shop the other day, and I asked the man to cut it into fourths. "I'm sorry, I can't," he said. "I already cut it in half."
The Getaways
At the company water cooler, I bragged about my children's world travels: one son was teaching in Bolivia, another was working in southern Italy, and my daughter was completing a year-long research project in India. One co-worker's quip, however, stopped me short. "What is it about you," he asked, "that makes your kids want to get so far away?"
The Well-Wisher
A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides. When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better." One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."
Olympics Joke
It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London. A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want
to get in, but they haven't got tickets.
The Scotsman picks up a manhole-cover, tucks it under his arm and walks
to the gate. "McTavish, Scotland," he says, "Discus," and
in he walks. The Englishman picks up a
length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder. "Waddington-Smythe,
England," he says, "Pole vault," and in he walks. The Irishman looks around, picks up a roll of
barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland," he says:
"Fencing."
Self-Fulfilling Prophecy
"I'm probably not going to get accepted into the optimist club."
"I'm probably not going to get accepted into the optimist club."
Computer Term
Dictionary
State-of-the-art: Any computer you can't afford.
Obsolete: Any computer you own.
Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
MacBook Air: Apple's Mac that makes you say, "Gee, it's three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a microsecond ago."
Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."
Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, especially after a Syntax Error.
GUI (pronounced "gooey"): What your computer becomes after spilling your coke on it.
Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Portable Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
Disk Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.
Obsolete: Any computer you own.
Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
MacBook Air: Apple's Mac that makes you say, "Gee, it's three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a microsecond ago."
Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."
Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, especially after a Syntax Error.
GUI (pronounced "gooey"): What your computer becomes after spilling your coke on it.
Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Portable Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
Disk Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.
Speeding
A motorist was caught by a speed camera going 10 mph over
the limit. He received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his
car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of
$40. In return, the police department sent another picture - of
handcuffs.
His Reason
A mother asked her small son what he would like for his birthday. "I'd like a little brother," the boy said. "Oh my, that's such a big wish," said the mother. "Why do you want a little brother?" "Well," said the boy, "there's only so much I can blame on the dog."
Patience Persists
A man pacing back and forth glanced at his watch and yelled upstairs to his wife, "Honey, are you ready yet?" Shouting back, the woman replies, "For crying out loud, Dewey, I've been telling you for the last half hour... I'll be ready in a minute!"
Today’s Thought
A mother asked her small son what he would like for his birthday. "I'd like a little brother," the boy said. "Oh my, that's such a big wish," said the mother. "Why do you want a little brother?" "Well," said the boy, "there's only so much I can blame on the dog."
Patience Persists
A man pacing back and forth glanced at his watch and yelled upstairs to his wife, "Honey, are you ready yet?" Shouting back, the woman replies, "For crying out loud, Dewey, I've been telling you for the last half hour... I'll be ready in a minute!"
Today’s Thought
I'm a multi-tasking procrastinator. I can put off all
kinds of things at once
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