Friday's Funnies

Too Many Videos

 

As we drove slowly through a scenic Texas park, my eight-year-old daughter spied a doe and her spotted twin fawns grazing under oaks just a few feet from the narrow pavement.  "Mom! Mom!" she cried, head swiveling as we passed. "Deer! Rewind!"

 

Car Trouble

 

Airhead: "Hey, can you come pick me up?  Car trouble again."

Friend: "OK. (sigh) What went wrong this time?"

Airhead: "It's the brakes."

Friend: "Well, I'll be right there.  Where are you?"

Airhead: "I'm in the drugstore."

Friend: "And where's the car?"

Airhead: "It's in here with me."

 

Snowstorm

 

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"

 

PUN-ishment

 

Energizer Bunny arrested -- charged with battery.

My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.

Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before.

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

 

The Solution

When I worked for the security department of a large retail store, my duties included responding to fire and burglar alarms. A side door of the building was wired with a security alarm, because it was not supposed to be used by customers. Nevertheless they found the convenience of the exit tempting. Even a sign with large red letters, warning "Alarm will sound if opened," failed to deter people from using it. One day, after attending to a number of shrieking alarms, I placed a small handmade sign on the door that totally eliminated the problem: "Wet paint."

 

The Privileged Rich

"Take a pencil and paper," the teacher said, "and write an essay with the title 'If I Were a Millionaire.'" Everyone but Philip, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write furiously. "What's the matter," the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?" "I'm waiting for my secretary," he replied.

 

Police stop

 

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.  "What are those machetes doing in your car?" asks the cop.  "I juggle them in my act."  "Oh, yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it."  The juggler gets out and starts tossing and catching the knives. Another man driving by slows down to watch. "Wow" says the passer-by. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"

 

Best Responses if Found Asleep at Your Desk

 

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!"

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken."

2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

1. ... in Jesus' name. Amen."

 

Word Game

 

Give this PLENTY of thought, and don't cheat! See if you can figure out what these words have in common.

Banana
Dresser
Grammar
Potato
Revive
Assess
Uneven

Are you peeking or have you already given up? Give it another try... you'll kick yourself when you discover the answer. Go back and look at them again; think hard. OK... Here you go... hope you didn't cheat. This is so cool.

Answer . . . . .

In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word.

Today’s Thought

 

One of the greatest labor-saving inventions of today is tomorrow.