Friday's Funnies

New Car

Snow was falling heavily the day I decided to visit a car dealership. I was confident I'd get a great deal, figuring the salesmen would be desperate for customers on such a lousy day.  Sure enough, when I entered the showroom, I was the only client.  My hopes for getting a good deal quickly faded, however, when I heard the approaching salesman's very first words:  "Boy," he said, jovially, "you must really want a new car badly to come out on a day like this!"

Farewell Song

There was a woman who spent some months serving at a religious mission in Kenya. On her final visit to a remote township she attended a medical clinic. As the Maasai women there began to sing together, she found herself deeply moved by their hauntingly beautiful harmonies. She wanted always to remember the song so she recorded this moment to share it with friends when she arrived home. With tears flowing down her cheeks, she turned to her friend and asked, "Can you please tell me the translation of the words to this song?" Her friend looked at her and solemnly replied, "If you boil the water, you won't get dysentery."

The Destination

A young girl's parents decided to take her to visit a new church one Sunday morning. As a small bribe, they told her that if she were good during the service they would take her to her favorite restaurant afterwards. During the pastor's rather fiery sermon on the destination of the good versus the destination of the evil he asked, in a rather loud voice. "And where do you think those who live a pure, just and good life before the Lord are going to go?" The girl stood in her seat and cried out, "To my favorite restaurant!"
The Lottery

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.  She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'  The husband said, 'What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'  'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

Polish immigrant

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.  First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.  The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'   'Can you read this?' the optician asked.  'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

Careful!

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.  Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.  'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him.  'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'  The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

Grandma

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."  The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in.  At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

Old Cemeteries

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. And, one who can enjoy browsing old cemeteries... Some fascinating things on old tombstones!

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery: Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no place to go.

On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia: Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.
Only the good die young.

In a London, England cemetery: Here lies Ann Mann, who lived an old maid but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery: Here lies Johnny Yeast. Pardon him for not rising.

In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery: Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake, Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery: Here lays The Kid, We planted him raw. He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.

A lawyer's epitaph in England: Sir John Strange. Here lies an honest lawyer, and that is Strange.

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery: Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.

In a cemetery in Hartscombe , England: On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont: Here lies the body of our Anna, Done to death by a banana. It wasn't the fruit that laid her low, But the skin of the thing that made her go.

On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts: Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease. He is not here, there's only the pod, Pease shelled out and went to God.

In a cemetery in England: Remember man, as you walk by, As you are now, so once was I. As I am now, so shall you be, Remember this and follow me. To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent, Until I know which way you went.

Today’s Though

I remember the good ol' days when "snap crackle pop" were sounds I heard from my cereal, not my body.