Friday's Funnies

Points To Ponder

- How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

- Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Marriage and Men

- When a man decides to marry, it may be the last decision he'll ever make.
- Some men who speak with authority at work know enough to bow to a higher authority at home.
- A dish towel will certainly wipe the contented look off a married man's face.
- Love is the quest, marriage is the conquest, divorce is the inquest.
- An engagement is an urge on the verge of a merge.
- Marriage brings music to a man's life. He learns to play second fiddle.
- Getting married is one mistake every man should make.
- A well-informed man is one whose wife has just told him what she thinks of him.
- Courtship, unlike proper punctuation, is a period before a sentence.
- The argument you just won with your wife isn't over yet.
- Before criticizing your wife's faults, you must remember it may have been these very defects that prevented her from getting a better husband than the one she married!

Tofu

A well-dressed man approached a woman at a health food store and in a clipped British accent asked her exactly what she did with the tofu in her basket. She said she normally puts it in the refrigerator, looks at it for several weeks and then throws it away. The man replied, "That's exactly what my wife does with it. I was hoping you had a better recipe."

The Best Diet Ever

Needing to shed a few pounds, my husband and I went on a diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. I followed the instructions closely, dividing the finished recipe in half for our individual plates. We felt terrific and thought the diet was wonderful -- we never even felt hungry! But when we realized we were gaining weight, not losing it, I checked the recipes again. There, in fine print, was: "Serves 6."

How Come?

Little Johnny asked one of his sister's suitors, "How come you show up every night to see my sister when you have one of your own?"

Neglect

A husband and wife went for counseling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into an angry tirade, listing each and every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on - neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, a long list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their quarter century of marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist stood up, walked around his desk and, asking the wife to stand, embraced her and kissed her passionately on the mouth.

The woman shut up and, in a daze, quietly sat down. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least seven times a week. Do you think you can do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, doc, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on the other days, I play golf."

Punny

- The person who invented the door knocker won the No-Bell Prize.

- I couldn't figure out how to fasten my seat-belt. Then it clicked.

- I forgot how to throw a boomerang, but it came back to me.

 -Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He's lucky it was a soft drink.

- A scare crow got promoted because he was outstanding in his field.

- The witch's new book of incantations' is full of errors! The publisher obviously didn't use a spell checker.

- A vulture tried to board a plane with two dead raccoons, but the flight attendant said, "Sorry, sir - only one carrion allowed!"

- I once met a woman who had a taser. Man, was she stunning!

- I should have seen it coming - he had all the signs.

- No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

Today’s Thought

Cats regard people as warm-blooded furniture.